15 Most Absurd Newspaper Headlines Ever

• Why did a man put his mail in a dog poop
disposal for two years? How did a man get duped into buying “poodles”
that weren’t even dogs? These are 15 of the most ridiculous news headlines
you’ll see – and the equally crazy stories behind them. 15 –Flying dildo hits bucks party guest,
draws blood • This is one of those rare occasions where
the headline sounds like overly weird, but the actual story turns out even more strange. • So what the headline tells you is that
some guy got hit by a flying dildo. What it doesn’t tell you is HOW. • And the HOW, is that it was shot at him. By the exotic dancer at the party. And… not with a gun. 14 –Think of a headline 56pt bold headline
• Here’s a secret of newspaper headline writing – they’re usually the last thing
to go on the story, within minutes of the paper being printed. • And every so often… the editors just
forget, and the paper gets shipped off with a placeholder to remind them to write a headline. • Clearly, the reminder didn’t work. 13 –Arrested for ‘gay horse’ jibe
• In 2005, a drunken 21-year-old student was staggering down the street when he came
upon two police officers on horses. • He apparently decided that this was a
good time to talk to one of the officers about the sexual orientation of his horse. • After a few warnings to stop, the student…
didn’t stop. Eventually, the officer handcuffed him and
put him in drunk tank to dry out for a night. 12 –Man Posts Letters In Dog Poo Box For
Two Years • No tricks on this one. It’s exactly what it sounds like. • A 91-year-old man with poor eyesight was
stopped one day before putting a letter into a disposal box for dog poop. • He had apparently been putting his mail
in there for two years, because it’s approximately the same size and color as the mail box…
but the mail box was across the street. 11 –Patrick Stewart Surprises Fan With A
Life Threatening Illness! • This is actually a heartwarming story,
but this headline just shows how important it is to read them back to yourself. • So, contrary to the way you COULD read
this headline, this isn’t about Sir Patrick Stewart BRINGING the plague to a young fan. • It’s about him surprising a fan who
already HAS an illness. 10 –Woman lets god drive car, god immediately
runs down guy on motorcycle • “Jesus Take the Wheel” is a popular
song, but unfortunately it’s very bad driving advice. • That lesson came to a 25-year-old woman
in Fort Wayne, Indiana, at the expense of the guy riding the motorcycle in front of
her. • The woman said she heard God say “He
would take it from here.” So she let go of the wheel and rammed the
man on the motorcycle in front of her, knocking him off his bike. • Then she continued driving, running over
the man’s midsection breaking several ribs and causing extensive internal bleeding. 9 –Man gets shock of his life when he buys
two toy poodles for $150 only to be told by a vet that they are actually GIANT RODENTS
pumped up with steroids to look like dogs • The man in Argentina who thought he was
getting a great deal on a pair of purebred poodles? • He was NOT getting a great deal on poodles. • He was ACTUALLY getting a pretty good
deal on giant, fluffy, steroid-raised ferrets. 8 –Paralyzed by a PORK CHOP: Father-of-two,
46, almost dies after eating undercooked meat • The words “Paralyzed by a Pork Chop”
might make you think someone was, maybe, hit in the neck with a frozen pork chop? Something like that. • But no, this story is about food poisoning,
and amusing as the headline might be, the story is just the opposite. • Darren Ashall fell ill with listeria meningitis
from a pork chop that he undercooked. • The bug went straight to his brain, where
it nearly killed him. He was lucky to survive an extended hospitalization
only losing the ability to walk and communicate. 7 –Big rig carrying fruit crashes on 210
Freeway, creates jam • File this one under “I see what you
did there.” • You get it? It’s a fruit truck, and it crashed and blocked
traffic, so it’s a JAM? • Somebody at the LA Times is very proud
of themselves for that one. 6 –Boy, 14, attacked by goat named Voldemort
• Jaxon Gessel was just a 14-year-old delivering papers, when he got attacked by a goat named
Voldemort. • How evil does a goat have to be to get
named Voldemort? Well, he headbutted Gessel’s bike to knock
him off of it, then started trampling him. • But hey, at least Gessel now gets to tell
people he’s the “boy that lived.” 5 –Man with cat denied entry by Fla. strip
club, arrested • Okay, there’s a lot of detail missing
here. • A man tried to enter a strip club with
a kitten, presumably because he was very, very drunk. When he was denied entry, he called 911 on
the strip club bouncers. • A couple of very confused deputies arrived
on the scene to sort things out… but that didn’t stop the man from CONTINUING to call
911 repeatedly. • The man was eventually arrested for misusing
911 and a number of other charges. And it wasn’t even his cat. 4 –Psychic hit by car inside restaurant
says he didn’t see it coming • So, there were two psychics eating lunch
in a restaurant together. • A car came through the wall and slammed
into them both. • And neither of them were able to predict
it. • We’ll let you draw your own conclusions
about the quality of psychic work. 3 -Russian sex geckos die in orbit
• Fair warning, this story gets way less interesting after the words “Russian sex
geckos.” • The geckos were, literally, part of an
experiment measuring the effects of weightlessness on sexual habits and development. • It appears the geckos may have died after
the satellite’s heating system broke down… but the fruit flies that were also on the
ship not only survived, but multiplied. 2 -One-armed man applauds the kindness of
strangers • Okay, you might think this headline is
overly cruel. But the author is actually writing it about
himself. • And he’s not actually missing an arm. He’s just broken his hand, and can’t use
it. • So he’s really just poking fun at himself. Which is corny and kinda dumb, but at least
he’s not teasing ACTUAL amputees. 1 -Romanian Princess Ran a Cockfighting Ring
in Oregon • Um. This isn’t cute or clever at all. The Atlantic isn’t doing any clever wordplay
here. • The Princess of Romania actually just
REALLY likes strapping knives and weapons to the legs of roosters and watching them
kill each other. • She and her husband hosted at least 10
events at her farm in Oregon, getting themselves charged with operating an illegal gambling
operation and facilitating cockfighting, both of which are illegal in all 50 U.S. States.

About the author


  1. Danger Dolan Countdown book now on sale!


  2. Dolan please do a little more research before making your puns/jokes lol not to be a Debbie downer but ferrets are not rodents, they were actually domesticated to hunt them

  3. 15. Ew.
    14. LOL
    13. How is calling someone's horse homosexual illegal?
    12. Dog poo letters, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…
    11. Surprising someone who has a life threatening illness is one thing, but giving someone a life threatening illness is surprising in and of itself.
    10. She obviously heard the radio and attributed it to God. What an idiot.
    9. Now he has ferrets. Is that so bad?
    8. This is why you never undercook your food.
    7. Never let it be said that LA Times lacks a sense of humor.
    6. Goats these days…
    5. I bet they wouldn't let him in because that cat was not an adult.
    4. These people are obviously not real psychics.
    3. That experiment was a success after all.
    2. Sometimes we must laugh at ourselves.
    1. Bleh, royals.
    0. This could have been crazier.

  4. Wanna hear a joke?

    You Stew Pid




    Dont Forget!

    You already forgot right?

    Now go back to see

    curiousity kill deh cat

    its is 3547 1513

    haah get trolled


  5. Wait. The USA has 50 states. I thought there were 51.

    When you live in the US and you can't even remember how many states there are.

  6. While most of this list's headlines are absurd to the highest degree, the one that still takes the cake for me is "Russian Sex Geckos". So many "Why" Questions for that story, along with a headline that seems to have been pulled from the deepest depths of fanfiction.net.

  7. 6:30 that looks the super fat version my ex-step mom… she didn’t feed my, AND I HOPE SHE ROTS IN HELL!!!

  8. I would prefer giant ferrets to unhealthy looking poodles any day. Those things look like they have difficulty living.

  9. "Man tries to rape a girl on the street, but she's a trans who rapes the man instead"
    Yup, Italy's a great place.

  10. Ferrets, toy poodles, meh. I bet they’re still good boys. 🙂 (or girls, or… you know what I mean.)

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