Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere


And now in a desperate attempt
to fill 24 hours of programming, here’s some bullshit
that happened somewhere today. We’ve got some footage here
of the bullshit which began just after 3 o’clock
this afternoon when residents in this neighborhood
were shocked to see this fairly common thing happening. An attractive witness described
the event in breathless terms. I went to my window and I was like wo,
there’s some bullshit happening. It happened right over there.
I’m an older man, so you can trust
what I say. Authorities in special uniforms
rushed to the scene to stand around
while our cameras filmed them. Our reporter Keith Collins joins us now
live from the scene of the bullshit through the use
of expensive technology. Good to be with you again Keith,
we have a colorful graphic here that shows instances of bullshit
like this are on the rise, is that right?
-Yes, although why is unclear. Some say it’s because
of one fucking reason, others say it’s because
of some other fucking reason. I talked to this random expert
on this subject who told me this thing
you’re about to hear him say, right after he points
at a piece of paper. I spent my entire life attending
the nation’s most prestigious schools to talk about bullshit like this.
I’m really just happy to be on TV. Now let’s see if we can drag this out
a little longer by showing emails written by some of our viewers.
I once saw some stuff kind of like the shit
you’re talking about happen, I have nothing more to add.
Another person says I am angry
that things like this happen. I get mad about
every bullshit thing I see. So obviously a lot of opinions there
to make this story seem somewhat meaningful.
-Oh absolutely Glen, this bullshit has some
broader implications. Here’s a list of tips on how
to avoid bullshit happening to you. And here’s some footage of congress.
-Yes I see that. Well thank you Keith, let us know
if there are any updates on this bullshit story from there.
-There’s no way there will be. Very good, we’ll check back with you
in an hour anyway. I’m just some fucking guy.
-When we return we’ll look at live footage
of a car chase taken from a helicopter and free-associate
about what’s going on.

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Comments

  1. That's what we need in today's news. Reality is a cruel way to see was going in the world, instead of lies that fulfilled false expectations.

  2. You could replace the colorful language with almost any story done by almost any MSM and it would sound just like the daily news. ROTFLOL.

  3. Very funny! What is even funnier is how many times republicans have cited The Onion stories to support their positions. George W. Bushs' administration did it and Trumps has done it also. To be fair it is probably as accurate as either of those administrations ever was.

  4. Hyperbole and conjecture are my favorite bullshit! Their experts expound on what Might have happened somehow! It's awesome when Drumpf explains it, I feel so much more confused. Thanks TV!

  5. If you watched this video with no volume it would seem like shit is happening with bears and the news would seem completely normal.

  6. So CNN. It also creates propaganda by feeding us this bullshit and omitting the important news. God Damn it. I almost puked one day when it broke into a discussion with experts with breaking news: "Justin Bieber arraigned on dwi charge." Golly gee that 's so critical to us all. Such crapola.

  7. No bullshit, …

    +(👑)-

    1. And he said, "Whoever discovers the interpretation of these sayings will not taste death."

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    +(I)+ am not christain +(I)+ am Christ like one Postive an Good as the Truth of God of my shape form an mass only crossing all of all Christ like only Bigger an Better one two the here an now of our ways an paths of motion an rest of Reality check a Fact check christian faith one same all of all faith is a lie that will always cross you negitive of the Absloute Postive Good Truth of God of you the Absloute Bigger an Better then all of all negitivity that can kill or destroy you two one nouthing inbody of matter dust of wind at the
    beginning (again)

    The Dead Sea Scrolls: Book of Secrets http://gnosis.org/library/bks.htm [From ZTE mobile browser] 

    http://gnosis.org/naghamm/gosthom.html

    Gospel of Mary Text http://www.maryofmagdala.com/GMary_Text/gmary_text.html [From ZTE mobile browser

    +(+(+( https://youtu.be/ptN2KQ7-euQ )+)+)+

    3. Jesus said, "If your leaders say to you, 'Look, the (Father's) kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is in the sea,' then the fish will precede you. Rather, the (Father's) kingdom is within you and it is outside you. When you know yourselves, then you will be known, and you will understand that you are children of the living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and you are the poverty."

    +++((( https://youtu.be/rzsT4xlWYKk )))+++

    39. Jesus said, "The Pharisees and the scholars have taken the keys of knowledge and have hidden them. They have not entered nor have they allowed those who want to enter to do so.

    +(+(+( www.youtube.com/channel/UCeCalaHOVQvtV74g0Z6lWzA )+)+)+

    +++((( https://www.instagram.com/vollinaadkins/ )))+++

    108. Jesus said, "Whoever drinks from my mouth will become like me; I myself shall become that person, and the hidden things will be revealed to him.

    Listen to pardice 3 by User 153418137 on #SoundCloud
    https://soundcloud.com/user-153418137/sets/pardice-3

  8. I have a good one for them there's a hurricane coming but everyone has decided to threaten it first but then negotiate with it after that doesn't work

  9. Few weeks ago in prime news (germany): scientist surgest to place snow cannons on the north pole
    wtf is going one x.x cant ment to be serious. Sometimes I wonder why leaving home and go to work wehn others to shit like that for money

  10. the media itself has 1-upped this video because they talk about things that matter even less than this video. I don't know if this video or actual "informative" media is more of a waste of my time.

  11. The Onion, you have inspired me with these Youtube videos, so I made a writing in tribute. Tribute, not more and more ripped off wholesale the more I think about it. My normal thoughts, turned into a bluntly offensive news broadcast.

    Jim Garafagus, news anchor, leads into the news story with its headline, "And now, a local man believes he is being lied to, when his friend calls himself a nerd." Jim adds some color commentary, "He probably is, because his friend can manage a friendship. Jill?" He smiles and turns to his co-host Jill Hacksaw, who doesn't acknowledge him. Jill continues the story, "Local resident John Woodencoque believes his friend is not in fact a nerd, even though his friend repeatedly comments that he is. Let's see what John had to say about it." The broadcast cuts to a pre-recorded interview, where John is in the middle of a sentence already, "–He's just not socially inept, you know? I don't get it. He isn't always backpedaling from things he meant to say when challenged on them, he isn't opinionated about things he's barely considered, and he doesn't get distracted by technicality so badly it's like he's seen The Holy Talon of Balshrahg, with its infinite malevolence, that all men must bow before lest they be mutilated endlessly for all of eternity." He takes on a deranged look momentarily. He continues, seemingly unaware of what he just said, "He just likes things a lot. I don't know why, but he's always telling me this same lie. He isn't a dumbass; I don't get it."

    Jill is back on-screen: "Quite a dilemma. Who knows why someone would do such a thing? Now, we have an expert who may be able to tell us why this man's friend is such a dumbass."

    The broadcast cuts to a recorded clip: A man, who is labeled by the overlay as an expert in the field of Retarded Common Beliefs, says in seeming response to a question, "Yes, I've done research into this subject at school cafeterias– after the school day has ended, for multiple years. It would seem that people actually do know what a nerd is, subconsciously, after seeing children their own age playing trading card games and gushing about anime while so riddled with personality flaws and social errors that it's amazing they hold on to their existence in this realm, yet most people choose to distinguish between the eldritch horror they witness and the term "nerd". They, instead, give it a positive meaning, something these true nerds will also do, and black out the memories of these lunchrooms in a reaction to their intense disbelief and the traumatic nature of the sight." The man finishes and his gaze goes distant after a moment. There's a hesitation in him, then he suddenly breaks into a traumatized, terrified of his own shadow wailing just as the video cuts, screaming, "I can't go back!" and standing up suddenly, as people in hazmat suits close in on him. Jim Garafagus, back on camera abruptly with a look of horror he quickly clears from his expression, "Ah, yes Jill, it truly is a bad time to see those kids who play Yugimon after school. It's no wonder we all forget." He laughs fakely. Jill responds like she just snapped inside, with a threat, "Don't you fucking call it that or I'll rip your tongue out, Jim." Jim responds nervously, trying to turn the subject back to the news story, "Ah… Well, since you can form a sentence like that with confidence, and don't just seem like a weak and inept coward telling a lie, I think it's safe to say you're not a nerd and you're just a psychopath." He tries to laugh and fails. He pulls at his collar, notices what he's doing, and interrupts himself to return to perfect posture. Jill concludes the story, and the conversation, "That is correct, Jim. I've seen some shit. But, I can manage a slightly social job in society and am not a fucking loser."

    Jim, moving on cheerfully, "Next on the docket we have a professional report on why so many people are cunts. Stay tuned, there's a lot to cover, but one of the theories is denying obvious shit that's been proven correct to them by personal experience." He turns towards Jill but doesn't actually look at her, "Hey, that's just like this last story, isn't it Jill?" He laughs fakely, and Jill hastily stuffs a hacksaw under the table when the camera pulls back to show both of them. The camera instantly cuts back to Jim, and only Jim, and he says falsely after stammering in surprise, having been watching the monitor, "See you soon folks." He pretends to talk to Jill as the lights dim, while she vaguely seems to be reaching under the table again.

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