Oh my god, I gained like two pounds over the holidays I’m so fat! SHUT UP! -What’s up with the celery? -Oh, my New Year’s resolution is to eat healthier. And to get potty trained. -What? Potty trained..? -Oh, what what? Oh, yeah, potty trained. Yeah. Well, what’s your- what’s your New Year’s resolution, huh? To stop picking your nose? -Well… Yeah. (Ian chuckles) At least I don’t crap my pants! -Well, you-, well- Shut up! (Doorbell rings) It’s my mom! Back off! Hey, you’re not my mom! -Ian, I want you to meet Steve. S: Hey Ian, nice to meet you. -Steve specializes in nose-picking addiction. S: That’s right, and we should get started right away. -Can’t wait for you to help me break my addiction. S: Yeah, I can’t wait either- WHAT are you doing?! I don’t want any of that here, or anywhere. -‘kay… S: No, no, just curl that finger in. Oh, we’re gonna do this the hard way. Outside, right now! Do I really have to wear this thing? (Steve over megaphone) Don’t question my training regimen! Run, right now. Run, don’t pick your nose. Run run run run run Don’t pick your nose, don’t pick your nose. Run run run run run run ruuun (Asian-themed ringtone plays) Oh, what’s this? Be right back, Anthony. (in crappy Asian accent) Herro, Kim Jong Il, you how are you? K: (Aggressive Asian accent) Hello Steve-chen! How is our plan coming along? S: Oh, it going on very good! Once I get gun tomorrow, those pesky kids will be out of our way! K: Excellent. S: Uh, permission to speak freely sir? K: What you want?! S: Uh, why are we building nuclear bomb in house instead of some where more secret? :/ K: Because! Wow, that guy is dick! K: WHAT?! S: Uh, I mean I love you buh-bye! (still doesn’t hang up) S: Come on, come on! (Dice rolling) S: I got Park Place! In your face! (Steve chuckles) -Hey! How come you’re playing without me? -What? I thought you didn’t like this game. -I don’t. But I mean the least you could’ve done was ask, right? S: My, my, is that a diaper you’re wearing? -Well, my my isn’t that a stupid face you’re wearing?! (Ian cries while running away) (Asian themed ringtone plays) S: Uh, my mother’s calling, uh Do not cheat, Okay? Mmm. K: Have you gotten rid of them yet? S: No, Kim Jong. I don’t know if I could do it anymore! K: You must do it!! Or our plan will fail!! S: I know! But, I kinda grow to like them! Well, except for Ian, cuz he’s kind of annoying and smells like baby poopoo! But Anthony a real cool guy! Like right now we’re playing Monopoly and I learned the joys of capitalism! K: Shut up right now! You must do it! Or I’ll kill your famiry! YOUR FAMIRRY! S: (faintly) No! K: Think about it, Steve. Bye. Love you. (in distance) Ian: Stop it, mommy! Ian’s Mom: Quit squirming around! Ian: I can do it myself, mommy! -What the hell?! Ian: AHHHHHH!!! A: AHHHHHHH!!! I: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! A: AHH! (slams door) (panting traumatically) (Doorbell rings) -I’ll get it! You didn’t see anything, got it? Good. Mailman: How you doing? I: Hey… -You just sign here for this plutonium bomb. O-O -Uhhhh… Anthony did you order a… plutonium bomb? -What? No. S: I believe that is mine. M: Oh. Here you go S: Thank you. A: Steve! I took that thing off my neck, and I don’t feel like picking my nose anymore! Thanks so much Steve. You’re the best friend ever! Narrator: And what happened then? Well in Whoville they say, that Steve’s small heart grew three sizes that day. S: You know what Anthony let’s go get some ice cream! A: Okay, can Ian come? Ian: (lightly) Please? S: No! He smells like s**t! But you can come. M: I like ice cream! (skips away) I: (pouting and crying) DANGIT! I WANTED ICE CREAAAMMM! MOMMY! Ian’s Mom: What’s the matter honey? Ooh, what’s this? Is this an early Mother’s Day gift? (shakes aggresively) -No mom, no THAT’S A BOMB!!! (nuclear explosion) Hey uh, Anthony, did you order a PLUTONIUM BOMB?!