[ music ] My high school years, it was kind of just
getting by I was really excited to go to college like I what I remember
graduating eighth grade and being like oh i have to go to high school I just want to go to
college. I felt like really stuck there and it cut, it was lonely, I felt really
alone. I wanted to get it over with because those were really hard years so [shutter noise] [music] [music] I didn’t want the attention, I didn’t
want to be necessarily admired or like the popular crowd I didn’t really want
that but I didn’t want to be looked at and made fun of and I think that was
more so my fear. I didn’t have a problem with anybody I was friends with
everybody and that’s where I was just comfortable and, but like deep down I
went home and you know I didn’t all those horrible things to myself I just
felt like I said out of place in that school and I kind of wanted to find a
place where I could fit in and be happy with myself and have other people look
at me and be like wow she’s really like really perfect, I guess, and like thinking
about that now it was so cringe-worthy to be like wow I want everyone to think
I’m perfect but in your mind that’s what you want like you want people to like
you you want people to look and be like wow!, Like I wanted like be friends with
her, and I think I was just craving that so badly I would have done anything for
it, and yeah so that’s how I got to that point. Everyone around me was like “wow!,
you’re so skinny, you’re so skinny” but they weren’t saying it like “wow you look great!” They were like “you’re so skinny! Like wow!, You should you should eat a burger” Like you should do something and I was like wow I love that, I love that! I love hearing that and I loved hearing it I
loved hearing I was skinny. I loved it and it just like, that fed me more and
more. I was like wow but yes it’s working it’s working like it’s working fast and
it’s just like that was just feeding the eating disorder and I loved hearing it
and I think that’s just like what kept me going and I loved I loved what, I
loved seeing my ribs, I loved seeing like, just like no fat on my body and, and
everyone, everyone was looking at me, and I knew it. Everyone was like “Whoa she, there’s something wrong, there’s something wrong” My mom will come up to
me and she goes “are you not eating what are you doing?” and I’m like, I’m like “No I’m eating,
like I’m good, I’m just losing weight” like ” I’m working out!” No, I wasn’t working out. Like, it was all like lies and lies and lies. At that point I didn’t really notice it was a problem and I at first, like I said at first it was
I know, I knew it and I was ashamed, and I was ashamed for a long time and I did it
once a week and that was it. Like I would do it once a week and I was like okay
that’s my fix for the week, whatever, and then it’s started happening I was like
every single day I had to do it, and then every single meal I had to do it, and no one knew. I, and I didn’t think anything of it, I was like okay they don’t have to
know. I’m fine. I’m losing weight, I’m healthy I’m fine. They don’t have to
know, why do they have to know? And I didn’t want them to stop me at the same time, like I knew that in the back of my head if they did know, they’d stop me and
I was like I can’t stop. It’s what’s making it go away to making it do it faster. I can’t go on a run and lose five pounds,
I can’t. So, one day I woke up and I was forcing myself to vomit and I woke up
and I was passed out and there were like EMTs and there are like people around me
and it was all hazy and I was like what is going on I’m dreaming. So I was like alright I’ll go back to sleep and then I woke up in a hospital and I was like where am I?
Why am I here? What’s wrong with me and everyone around me it was crying and I
just didn’t know why, and I had a feeding tube and I was confined because I was considered suicidal and I had found out I had severe liver damage and I had lost
most of my hair and I was really, really sick and I didn’t know, but all I could focus on in that moment was the feeding tube, and I was like I gotta get this out,
I gotta get this out. I don’t want to gain the weight back so I was screaming I was like get this out get this out! I can’t, I can’t gain weight I can’t do it
and my mom just looked at me and she’s like who are you why are you doing this,
and, yeah she was really upset and you know
you look at somebody who’s, who’s doing that and it’s sad and it’s like why? Why
would you want to rip out a feeding tube that’s saving your life? But, it’s to me, I
felt like it was killing me and I was like, why am I upset it’s saving my life.
He was telling me I have severe liver damage, but, I, I just didn’t want to gain the
weight and that was more important, so, yeah. I was considered suicidal and at that
point I didn’t have a choice. I wasn’t allowed to go back to school, I wasn’t allowed to leave and at that point I had to go to counseling. So, I think getting
to that point where I wasn’t allowed to have a choice, I hate that, I would
recommend anybody not to get to that point, to where you don’t have a choice
because you could die and you could get sick still, so thankfully I was given a
therapist who was amazing and I was extremely open to having therapy but I
think talking to my mom after who was just so disappointed because she didn’t
raise me to be that way and my mom is like not the skinniest person ever but
she is so comfortable in her body and she’s a personal trainer and she just
raised me to believe that my body’s beautiful. She always told me like you’re
so beautiful you’re always so beautiful, and it’s like how can I let her down and
I think I just wanted to be a better role model for my sister. So I just
wanted to change my life and I needed to find myself and I was willing to do what
I had to do to find that happy place just to like have that counseling was
exactly what I needed I’ve never had counseling before and it was good to
really release my demons because I had a lot. I had a lot and I had these body image issues since I was eight, just you know just looking in a mirror and being like,
what’s this? Like I was athletic I played softball like I just like, I don’t know
and then like being around girls at school like other girls calling other
girls fat or whatever that was like I don’t want to ever be called that you
know, but I think just like having that fear and like building up those demons
to really take a toll on somebody and just to like be able to just express how
I feel to somebody and have them understand and to have them like help me
through it and get me through it and also the hotlines that N.E.D.A, National
Eating Disorder Awareness, A.N.A.D. those kinds of organizations they have
hotlines and I use those. I use them all the time
they’re free and you can all always just call them and talk to them all the time
and I still do. Every time I’m feeling low I’ll just
call them and we’ll talk and I’ll talk for like an hour and they’ll listen to
me and so helped me through it and I think
just having those resources is what really gets me, gets me through. That’s
what I live for now is knowing that I could have died that day but I have a
whole life to live now and I have a lot to live for
so, and so does everybody else you know. They have to remember that, that you have so many memories you still have to make you have to graduate, you have to have a
family, you get to travel and see the world and you know experience having a
big person job and just you won’t get to do those things you know you’ll be stuck
in that sad, sad body and you won’t be here and that’s what people will
remember you and that’s scary I want to, I want to make a name for myself
and I want to, I want to be an inspiration and I want to do things for
people and I want to be a lot bigger than what I am and yeah, I want to, I want
to live up to my life [ music ]

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