Ellen’s Got Good News


– YOU KNOW, THEY SAY
THAT NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS. WELL, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT. GOOD NEWS IS GOOD NEWS,
AND THE GOOD NEWS IS– THAT’S WHAT I GOT
FOR Y’ALL TODAY IS GOOD NEWS. [cheers and applause] FIRST OF ALL– FIRST OF ALL, IT’S FRIDAY, AND– [cheers and applause] IT’S ALMOST LIKE
I MADE YOU AWARE OF THAT, LIKE YOU DIDN’T KNOW WHAT DAY
IT WAS UNTIL I TOLD YOU, AND YOU BECAME EXCITED THAT YOU
HAVE THE WEEKEND AHEAD OF YOU. SECONDLY, I’M ABOUT TO SPREAD
GOOD NEWS ALL AROUND THIS ROOM FASTER THAN THIS YEAR’S
FLU OUTBREAK. WHO WANTS SOME GOOD NEWS TODAY? ANYBODY HERE? [cheers and applause] ALL RIGHT. CAN I GET A WITNESS? [cheers and applause] ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, THIS IS–
THIS IS A QUESTION, AND YOU HAVE
TO REALLY BE HONEST. DON’T JUST SAY IT
BECAUSE YOU’RE ON TELEVISION OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON. WHO IS HAVING A BAD HAIR DAY? WHO’S–WHO’S– [indistinct shouts
from audience] NO, YOU CAN’T– NO, NO HAIR IS NOT A BAD DAY. THAT DOESN’T COUNT. YOU– I’M NOT–AND I’M NOT JUDGING. STAND UP. BUT THE ONLY THING IS,
THE WHOLE TIME, YOU WERE FIDGETING
WITH YOUR HAIR, AS IF YOU WERE SELF-CONSCIOUS, AND YET YOU RAISED YOUR HAND– – WOULDN’T YOU BE? – NO, NO, BUT TELL ME,
WHAT’S YOUR NAME? – JULIE. – ALL RIGHT, WHY AM I
USING THIS? I HAVE A MIC. ALL RIGHT, SO… [laughter] – AND YOU HAVE PRETTY HAIR. – THANK YOU VERY MUCH. NOW, SO TELL–WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
I’M SORRY. – JULIE.
– JULIE. AND WHERE DO YOU LIVE? – MISSION VIEJO.
– MISSION VIEJO. WHAT DO YOU DO THERE? – I TAKE CARE OF NEWBORN BABIES. – YOU DO?
AW. [applause] – I’M A DOULA.
THANK YOU. – A DOULA?
– A DOULA. IT’S GREEK
FOR “MOTHERING THE MOTHER.” – YES, I KNOW. AND, UH… BUT I LOVE THAT YOU DO THAT. THAT’S FANTASTIC. SO WHY DO YOU SAY
YOU’RE HAVING A BAD HAIR DAY? I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU NORMALLY– WHAT DO YOU NORMALLY DO?
– NO, THIS IS IT. – THIS IS IT. – YEAH, IF I STRAIGHTEN IT,
IT GOES CURLY, AND IF I CURL IT,
IT STRAIGHTENS. I CURLED IT TODAY. – OH. WHERE DID YOU CURL IT?
WHAT PART? – EVERYWHERE.
I SPENT AN HOUR ON IT. – OH, ALL RIGHT. WELL, SOMEBODY NEEDS TO SHOW YOU
HOW TO CURL YOUR HAIR. – OH, PLEASE. – I’M GONNA SEND YOU
TO THE BEAUTY SPA AT THE BEVERLY HILTON HOTEL. [cheers and applause] – THANK YOU SO MUCH. – ALL RIGHT. NOW… [cheers and applause] OH. STAND UP. ALL RIGHT, YOU’RE NOT HAVING
A BAD HAIR DAY, BUT STAND ON UP. WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
– TERRY. – NO, SERIOUSLY, STAND UP. [laughter] – I’M STANDING IN THE HOLE. – ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. – [laughing] – OKAY, ALL RIGHT. TERRY, YOU SAID?
– YEAH. – AND WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
– DANNY. – ALL RIGHT, DANNY. THIS IS YOUR MIC.
USE YOUR MIC. SO HOW LONG HAVE Y’ALL–
YOU’RE MARRIED. – YES. – AND HOW LONG
HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? – 16 YEARS.
– 16 YEARS. – YES. – THAT’S FANTASTIC. – [laughs] – WHERE DO Y’ALL LIVE? – SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA. – SAN DIEGO, ALL RIGHT. YOU’VE BEEN MARRIED 16 YEARS. I’M GONNA GIVE YOU A QUIZ, AND WE’LL SEE HOW WELL
YOU KNOW EACH OTHER, OKAY? – SURE THING.
GO FOR IT. – WHAT IS TERRY’S SHOE SIZE? – SIZE FOUR. – WOW, OH, YOU KNOW THAT. WHAT’S HIS SHOE SIZE? – 13. – OKAY.
OH. – [laughing] – ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. YEAH, MAN. [cheers and applause] OKAY, NO. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. I DON’T KNOW, TERRY. WHAT AM I DOING?
WHAT DO I KNOW? ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT,
WHAT’S HER FAVORITE TV SHOW? – “ELLEN DEGENERES.”
– “ELLEN.” – THAT’S GOOD. ALL RIGHT, OR
“THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW.” – SHE WATCHES IT EVERY DAY. – AS SOON AS I GET HOME FROM
WORK, I ALWAYS WATCH “ELLEN.” – REALLY? OH, I’M GLAD THAT
I’M TALKING TO Y’ALL THEN. ALL RIGHT, AND I’M GONNA SEND
Y’ALL SOMEPLACE. YOU LIKE TO TAKE VACATIONS? – OH, YES.
– YES, YES, WE DO. – ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A FANTASTIC
PLACE THAT I ENJOY GOING. IT’S IN TUCSON, ARIZONA. IT’S MIRAVAL,
AND IT’S AN AMAZING PLACE. – OH, MY GOD, YES! OH, MY GOD! – YOU’RE WELCOME. YOU’RE WELCOME. HAVE FUN. – THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.
– YOU’RE WELCOME. – THANK YOU!
– ALL RIGHT. OKAY. I’LL GO OVER THIS WAY. [cheers and applause] WHO–HI. MY NEXT QUESTION IS,
WHO LIKES TO STAY IN A HOTEL? ANYBODY? [cheers and applause] ANYBODY WHO LIKES TO STAY
AT A HOTEL? [cheers and applause] YOU.
– ME? – YES, YOU DO?
– I DO, ELLEN. – ALL RIGHT, WELL,
THEN COME ON OUT HERE. ALL RIGHT. CAREFUL. HI, WHAT’S YOUR NAME? – MY NAME IS AVA. – HI, AVA. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
WHAT DO YOU DO? – HILLSBOROUGH, NORTH CAROLINA. I’M A SECOND GRADE
TEACHER ASSISTANT AT CARRBORO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. – AH, GOOD FOR YOU. THEY’RE CUTE AT THAT AGE. – THEY ARE.
– YEAH. – BUT THEY’RE–
– THEY’RE ADORABLE. THEY’RE A HANDFUL, BUT THEY’RE
ADORABLE AT SECOND GRADE. IT’S, LIKE, SIXTH AND SEVENTH
GRADE THEY START TURNING. YEAH. – NO.
– NO? – SECOND GRADE THEY TURN. – SECOND, REALLY? OH. ALL RIGHT, WELL,
THEY SEEM ADORABLE TO ME. I DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. I SEE THEM FROM AFAR,
AND I ADMIRE THEM. – YEAH. – SO YOU LIKE TO GO TO HOTELS. THE ONLY THING IS,
YOU WATCH THOSE “DATELINES” AND HOW CREEPY THE SHEETS ARE WHEN THEY HAVE
THE LIGHTS ON THERE. – YEAH. – YEAH, YOU DON’T WANT TO SLEEP
IN THOSE SHEETS. – I DON’T.
– I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU. THIS I FOUND.
IT’S A SLEEP SACK. AND WHAT YOU DO– SEE, YOU GET IN IT,
AND IT’S LIKE SHEETS, IT SAYS, AND IT’S CLEAN, AND THERE’S
A BUILT-IN POCKET FOR A PILLOW AND EVERYTHING. ALL RIGHT? SO YOU CAN DO THAT. – THANK YOU, THANK YOU! – NO, THAT’S NOT TRUE. WE ACTUALLY HAVE TICKETS FOR YOU
ON VIRGIN AMERICA, AND YOU CAN FLY SOMEPLACE. – OH, MY GOD! THANK YOU! THANK YOU.
CAN I HAVE A LITTLE HUG? – YES.
– THANK YOU! – YOU’RE GONNA GO–YEAH. [applause] AND YOU CAN FLY ANYWHERE
YOU WANT, BUT YOU CAN GO TO VEGAS
IF YOU WANT, ‘CAUSE I’M GONNA SEND YOU
TO THE COSMOPOLITAN HOTEL. – [screams] THANK YOU SO MUCH!
– YOU’RE WELCOME. YOU’RE WELCOME. ALL RIGHT, HAVE A SEAT. YEAH. [cheers and applause] LET’S SEE. WHO… WHO… [cheers and applause] WHAT ABOUT YOU? STAND. YOU’RE JUST LAUGHING
FOR NO REASON, AND I LIKE IT. – I LIKE IT TOO. – OKAY, WHAT’S YOUR NAME? – SHEA UVEL. – SHEA?
– SHEA. – SHEA.
– SHEA. – THAT’S WHAT I SAID.
– LIKE SHEA STADIUM. – THAT’S WHAT I SAID, YES. LIKE THE BUTTER.
– LIKE THE BUTTER. – YES, OR THE STADIUM. ALL RIGHT,
AND WHERE DO YOU LIVE? – I LIVE IN ENCINO, CALIFORNIA. – ENCINO, OKAY.
DO YOU LIKE TO SHOP? – I LOVE SHOPPING. – YEAH.
YEAH, ME TOO. – LOTS OF SHOPPING.
– YEAH. ALL RIGHT, PICK A POCKET. THE RIGHT– THE RIGHT ONE.
THE RIGHT ONE. THE RIGHT ONE. OKAY, I’LL GET IT. DON’T YOU GET IT. HOW DARE YOU? [applause] ALL RIGHT. I HAVE $10. [cheers and applause] AND… AND A PIECE OF GUM. NO, WAIT A MINUTE. – WAIT, IT’S FOR AFTER THE SHOW. – AFTER THE SHOW.
DON’T CHEW DURING THE SHOW. YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THAT
ON THE AIR. I FORGOT. IT WAS THE OTHER POCKET
THAT I WAS TRYING TO REACH INTO. IT’S $1,000 GIFT CARD
FOR MACY’S. [cheers and applause] YOU’RE WELCOME. – I APPRECIATE IT. – ALL RIGHT. AND IF YOU… IF YOU WANT TO READ
GOOD NEWS STORIES EVERY DAY, CHECK OUT MY GOOD NEWS PAGE
ON YAHOO SHINE. AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR EVERYONE
TO CHECK OUT MY DANCE.

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