-If you’ve been keeping up
with the show, then you know
I normally come out here, and I share thoughts about
whatever’s on my mind, you know? But tonight I want
to give a shout-out to my home country of Canada,
and do a monologue entirely about
what’s going on up North, okay? See, the only thing is,
Canadian news is a bit slower than American news, all right? Seriously, for entertainment,
Canadians just say, “Wonder what crazy thing
happened in America today.” [ Laughter ] Canadians watch CNN like it’s “The Real Housewives,”
straight up. [ Laughter ] I mean what would you expect
from a country who’s national pastime
is eating ketchup chips? [ Laughter ]
Which are delicious, by the way. Anyway, so I decided
I’m gonna need some help making our boring but real
news headlines not so boring. So can I get a hype man
to help me out, by any chance? Is there a hype man anywhere?
Yep. [ Cheers and applause ] John, thank you so much.
Thank you. [ Cheers and applause
continues ] -I’ve been preparing for this
my entire life. -I would like to audition
to be your hype man. -Excellent, okay.
[ Laughter ] -I’m gonna make this news sound
quite impactful. -Okay.
Are you ready for this? -I think so.
-Okay. [ Clears throat ]
Here we go. Here are
real Canadian news stories. -Real as hell stories
from a real as hell country! -Okay.
[ Laughter ] A few weeks ago, a man flying
on a Canadian airline was refused free water
during a flight but was instead
given a cup of ice. -That’s cold!
[ Laughter ] You call that freezer burn!
[ Laughter ] -In Ontario,
a man called 911 to complain about tomatoes
on his chicken sandwich. -Oh, man!
[ Laughter ] Party fowl!
[ Laughter ] Get it?!
Fowl! [ Laughter ] -A report recently came out
that found the number-one thing that Canadians
talk about on Twitter — John, can you guess? -Snow!
-Guess again. -Beavers!
-No, God, I wish. [ Laughter ]
The report showed that the number-one thing Canadians
talk about on Twitter is traffic.
-What?! [ Laughter ]
-I said traffic. -I know! I’m just out here
doing my hype-man thing! -Oh, okay.
[ Laughter ] -What?!
-Oh, okay, my fault. Oh, I get it —
you were doing Lil Jon. Ye-ah!
-Not bad! [ Laughter ] -Okay, thanks.
Here’s a good one. Pickle Lake In Ontario just got
a new playground structure. In order not to offend anyone, they also decided to keep
the old equipment, as well. -Two slides! [ Laughter ] -Okay, this one is actually fun. An orangutan at the Toronto Zoo
turned 52. -We popping bottles! [ Laughter ] -Well, she’s an orangutan, so… -We popping bananas! [ Laughter ] -In Wascana Park,
seagulls are flocking in large groups as they prepare
for their annual migration. -Them birds
’bout to be chirp, yo! [ Laughter ]
Tweet tweet. -At the University of Guelph,
in Ontario, a recent survey about cafeteria food found
94% of students satisfied or very satisfied. -Whipping in the kitchen
like some poutine! [ Laughter ] Food is decent!
Straight decent! [ Laughter ] -In Winnipeg,
about 50 dog owners showed up for the annual
Manitoba Basset Hound Walk. -Damn, that sounds cute A.F.! Manitoba sounds hella nice! A nice moderately dry climate and the highest population
of polar bears in Canada! -Wow, John, it seems like you’re
having a lot of fun doing this. -Oh, yeah, Lilly! It’s more fun than
a barrel full of monkeys! More fun than a frog
in a glass of milk! More fun than a full tick on a
dog in the middle of summertime! -John, John, John, John.
[ Laughter ] -Uh, yes, Lilly? -You think I could maybe
give the hype-man thing a try? Hype woman?
-Of course. -Okay, cool.
Let’s switch it up. -In the city of Boring, Oregon,
they opened a museum dedicated to its favorite
elusive creature, bigfoot. -Oh, d-a-a-a-ang! You know what they say
about big feet! Get it, bigfoot! Ladies and gentlemen, John Cena! [ Cheers and applause ]