If You Can’t Say “YES!” To These 2 Questions, Break Up With Them NOW?


Hey this is Clayton. In this video, I’m going to talk about when
to break up with someone. Now a caveat no one can tell you when to break
up with somebody. This is such an internal and subjective experience
that you’ve got to be the one who ultimately makes the final call because no one has the
answer for you. But you however what I will give you is a
couple questions that you can ask yourself that will help reveal and uncover your truth
so you can move along in the process and get out of this place of questioning and wondering,
whether or not you should stay or whether you should leave. Sometimes when you’re in a relationship, it
can be easy to know when to leave a relationship because something the person is doing is in
direct violation of a value that you hold near and dear; Maybe there’s physical abuse,
maybe there’s infidelity, maybe there’s some type of addiction or something that they’re
doing that you just are not going to live with and it’s cut and dry. But there’s other times when you’re in a relationship
we’re just not sure if you love the person. You’re not sure if the fights are worth it. You’re not sure whether or not this person
is the one so how can you get closer to the truth of understanding whether or not you
want to stay, or whether you want to leave. So the first question that I have for you
that you can ask yourself to begin to unwrap this and find out whether or not you should
go or whether you should stay is one that was inspired by a friend of mine who had recently
got out of a 10-year relationship. Now after the relationship, she had felt a
mix of emotions. Everything from extreme loss and regret to
profound freedom and just knowing that it was right decision. When I asked her, how did you get to this
conclusion that it was the right decision and finally pull the trigger to break up? She said a number of different things but
one question she asked herself in particular I want to share with you. The question was this, “if this relationship
had only lasted say six months to a year and I’ve been in it and it had this exact same
dynamic would I stay in it?” Okay so with the last six months to a year
of the relationship if that’s how long we’ve actually been together and spend this dynamic
will I stay in it now?” What that question does… the power that
question is it allows you to really look at what you need presently. What they need presently. What the dynamic of you’re currently living
in to and recently have been living in to without muddying up all of the investment
of time and energy that got you to this place. There is a term in poker called “Pot Heavy”
where someone’s got a bad hand and rather than fold and exit the game they stay in it
and they keep anting in because they’ve already put so much money in the pot. They don’t want to cut their losses and back
away. So what this question does is it allows you
to avoid that and to take a realistic inventory of where you’re at in the relationship and
what the last couple months or last year is actually looked like. The next question is one that I use with clients
in the past and I’ve also used with myself to determine whether or not I should be in
something or whether I should move on and the question is this, “If you woke up tomorrow
morning and let’s pretend that you were now single, and he didn’t have to go through the
break-up, you didn’t have to go through hurting the person, who didn’t have to go through
all of the mess and emotion that comes with breaking up with them, would you actively
pursue getting back together with him? Would you actively pursue dating that person
again and starting over?” Now what this does is it helps you get to
the core of what is stopping you from breaking up. Is it because you love the person and you
truly see potential and belief and your faith in the relationship? Or is it because you’re not breaking up with
him because you’re trying to avoid the pain you’re trying to avoid the inevitable conflict
and just emotions that come with a breakup? So that question should help you get a little
more clarity as to why you’re staying in it and really what matters. So those are the two questions that you can
ask yourself and again you don’t know one actually has the truth for you about whether
or not you should leave or whether you should go. This is completely up to you and if I can
give you a little bit of insight into trusting yourself more one of my friends and fellow
coach up in Boulder, Colorado when I was talking with him and explore this topic of one to
break up with somebody he said something that I thought was really profound he said, “Knowing
when to end a relationship is like knowing when to get out of a bathtub. How do you know well at some point you just
realize you’re done and you get out and with that allow it to perhaps open up you to a
level of realizing that you’ve got your own internal mechanisms and you can trust yourself
that you will know when to break up; that the process will unfold and you will fight
and you will stay in it as long as you need to until you are done.” And with that if you like this video, if it’s
helped, please like it. Comment below. Subscribe to my channel. And also if you’re looking for 8 Secrets to
Create a Rock Solid Relationship, click on the link below. Enter email address and I will send it straight
to your inbox. I know that’s a lot of things to do so pick
one of them that works and I will talk to you soon.

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Comments

  1. Unless there was physical abuse, clearcut psychological abuse, or unashamed infidelity, I would not ever break up with someone after only 6 months anyway. I like to take things gently, and at six months I'd think it was still too early to draw big conclusions. After a year, I would probably be less lenient if I felt it wasn't right, as then I'd have a sense of the bigger direction in which it was going and likely to go.

  2. Replacing the word 'love' with the person's name, and the word 'it' with the pronoun they go by, in Corinthians13:4-7, and seeing if the resulting description sounds like them or not is a great way to see, in general, whether the person possesses the character maturity and values necessary for a true chance at a truly loving relationship.

  3. He very secretive about his phone, he gave me std ( but in denial). When I asked for breakup he doesn’t want it. He calls me everyday. He talks nice n caring. I m totally lost!!!!!

  4. I answered yes to both of these questions. What is stopping me is my concern for hurting her. I just need to go through it.

  5. I already broke up some months ago and now this popes up. These questions would have definitely helped me to see things clearer.

  6. I started dating this guy and he was amazing loving caring guy I've ever met but behind it all he was like really close to a few other girls he called himself picky other options not just me LMAO I ran away as fast as I could blocked him and never spoke to him again

  7. This is my problem w coaches v actual therapists/lcsw. This right here. “I can narrow your life altering decision down to two questions!” No account for someones intimacy issues, attachment styles, traumas.. anything. Smh

  8. I feel stuck in a relationship I dont wanna be in anymore. Im not the person i used to be before i was with him. Im 50 heavier cuz of a lifestyle change because of him. I just want my life back. We live together and he doeanr wanna leave. Hes nlt trying either. I dont know how to het jim to leave. We haven't even slept in rhe same room for 5 months

  9. Yes…I'm trying to avoid the pain and her narcissistic vindictive personality…I've been with her on and off for a long time but I just can't take her aloof relationship lazy attitude…no intimacy… spontaneity…no touch ..sex is coerced and soulless…we are polar opposites…

  10. This is shit content. Notice most of your commenters are women. Women love this kind of bs reasoning to excuse hypergamy. Nobody cheated, nobody lied, muh feelings are justified.

  11. This might sound mean or if I'm joking but I'm not I just want my girl to lose weight it's a man thing you want your girl to be the apple of your eye and you want to make other men feel jealous what's your thoughts on this statement

  12. We’ve been together for 6 years. But we are currently in a long distance relationship. Although its hard, we manage to survive for 2 years. But recently, i don’t know how to make him happy anymore. I was trying my best to comfort him, direct him to what he needs to do, but he shut me off saying that I’m offending him. We did not talk for 2 days. Then he finally messages me saying he had his peace of mind already. But with that 2 days of not talking. I was reflecting so hard if i’m still helpful to him. Then just yesterday, i decided to end the relationship. Not because i don’t love him. But because he might have his happiness without me. I might be one of the reasons why his not happy.

    I just don’t know what to do anymore… i want him to be happy. 🙁 even without me.

  13. 1. Pretend you've only been with them for the last 6 months. Would you stay with them? Is that the dynamic you want to be in?
    2. Pretend you wake up after having hypothetically broken up. Would you try to get back together with them?

  14. I've been with my partner for over 7 years we have 2 kids together and a lot of history but we haven't been happy for sometime we really love each other but we can communicate anymore. He's to selfish and I'm too naggy. Any advice?

  15. Idk if anyone can help but I’ve been dating her for like 6 months now and I feel like I’ve lost the spark, but she’s definitely still into me and wants a future. We’re still young and I feel like I’m missing out a little bit cause I can’t hang out with some friends (cause of weed and drinking) and when we hang out her parents have to stay with us cause they don’t trust us but I don’t know what to do it seems like more of a chore now but I know it means a lot to her

  16. a question that could work too is "would i like to see my son/daughter dating someone like my partner?" you'll see if you're happy just because your children are happy or in pain cause they are too
    i think even parents think that way

  17. im just chillin and i want to know if i ever have these signs, and know what to look for. currently right now i’m secure.

  18. I'm a singer-songwriter and musician and I do open mics and different shows at my school or around different cities. My girlfriend hasn't gone to a single show of mine. She's obsessed with famous boybands and artists and I don't feel the same love and support. Yeah I'm not super super good looking but I'm very talented and write songs for her but she's still so crazy about those other guys and I'm frankly jealous. I get it I love my artists too and before dating I obsessed over them but now I want some attention on my craft too. I don't know how she can scream and fangirl over them and cry not being able to go to their show and yet not show up once to one of mine. It really hurts.

  19. I’m in a 20 year marriage and I’m so unhappy I answered no to both your question and yes I think it’s time but I can find the words any advice.
    I know I have only been there as long as I have because of the children but I’m 46 now and don’t want to be unhappy and depressed anymore.

  20. Hey I really need help here and I would appreciate if someone can give me some advice. I’ve been dating this guy for about 3/4 months. Over this period we’ve had multiple fights mainly because of my insecurities and poor emotional management. I really love him and I would like to be with him. But I often find myself wondering if we should continue as a couple or not. I know that the fights we’ve had are because of my clouded judgment. And I feel like he has distanced himself of me because of that same reason. Also I often times see how he switches his personality when he’s with me and when we’re with other people. At the beginning of our relationship I was treated the same like them but now I’m in this bubble where I can’t seem to be able to get out and be in contact with him. I’ve tried to talk to him and explain what I feel but he never has nothing to say. And sometimes I prefer to not say anything at all but that also causes me to get really bad anxiety and depression. I want to be in this relationship. I would like to give him feedback without looking like I’m a whiny baby. I love him with all my heart but he also hurts me. And I also hurt him too. What should I do?

  21. Thanks! This is really helpful unlike all the other videos on the topic who give lists of "signs", it's such a subjective decision your questions really help explore the individual reality.

  22. When to get out of a bathtub : when your toes and fingers and super wrinkly.

    When to get out of a relationship : when you’re wrinkled with sadness and frustration instead of this glowing plumpness of joy and happiness.

  23. Just to give you guys some of my insight on knowing if it's time to break up. If the idea of it makes you sad, fearful, upset or queasy and anxious in any way and it just doesn't seem to fade, and you try telling yourself that you'll just hold it and see how you go… that's usually a pretty good sign, in my opinion, from experience. It's not easy of course… like one counsellor told me, it's like ripping off a band-aid – but the pain is temporary and the saving grace, antidote or healing potion, if there is any, is that you're being completely honest, truthful and open… right to the very end and beyond and it is the noblest thing one can do.

  24. Me and my boyfriend are somewhat close, we spend lots of time together but his social behavior somewhat annoys me. He's super social and yes he has toned it down after we talked about it, but now he doesn't text me back. It's more of me giving him shit and stabilizing things. I want to stay so bad but i also want to stop the pain

  25. I can't answer yes to anything and there is emotional abuse and even though I have feelings it has been hard to leave but I finally had enough . I would Not stay as the last two years are a bad poker hand . This relationship is way behind the expiration date and I need to move on. I don't want to fight to save this relationship anymore is the reason I am letting go. I let go with love as that only way to do it.

  26. My answer is Yes to both of em… fuck , it became even harder . You just added another dimension to my mind and this decision…. fml man…

  27. 🤦🏻‍♀️💆🏻‍♂️ Such bad advice sir.. but I gave you a thumbs up for effort. PS: everyone is already employing both of your loveless advice. It’s why 80% of marriages end in divorce and singles jump from one relationship to the next.

  28. i think the easiest question to ask, is the second one. "If you were instantly single, with no one getting hurt or going through any of the break up stuff, would you actively pursue that person again and start over?" If no, then go. If yes, then stay and go to counseling. If they are unwilling, then go. If they are willing, then stay and try. Overall, if you're being abused in any way… sorries with no change, means nothing. leave.

  29. I like your background. All thats missing is fluffy white bunny. That mofo is hiding cuz he knows u tryna do a sexy time with it

  30. Hi there my name is Ladonna Williams I'm am 30 years old I have a question ok say if a guy who is there for me but he likes me but I'm really not sure that I love him some guys are confused to be with I'm want to be with a guy who there for me and don't make up his mind about another female I'm don't like very much sorry I'm been hurt and cheating on so many of times Im been single for a while I not the type of person that to let my none of my ex's back with me nope sorry

  31. you can ask yourself : if i was to live my life again, would i be with this person? if the answer is no… you got it
    i will end 10y relatioship soon, it was so hard to get to this decision, took me like 2 years … wish me luck?

  32. I think you can make almost any relationship work out if both parties can compromise. My question – would I be happier long term if I left or if I stayed?

  33. See my boyfriend and me have dated before and he liked me for a month be we got back together he broke up the frist time because a boy asked him out I don’t feel a spark I don’t feel love rn he’s in Kentucky with family so when school starts again I’ll end it

  34. Im so glad i saw this video tonight. Yesterday i came out of a 5.5 year relationship. Your questions gave me answers that affirmed this was the correct path for him and for me. History doesn't keep a relationship going, and its OK to call an end to it when you realize there's no way forward.

  35. My boyfriend and I have been going through the ringer for the last month. If I am being honest, I truly don't want to go through this bs with anyone else. I am a better person for it. However, I feel as though he is the one that doesn't recognize his own potential. There is a lot of blame being placed on me for the choices he has made. If he wants to be a better person then it has to be his decision. Sometimes you are going to be at a different level then your partner. You have to ask yourself, "If this person neve changed for the rest of your life would you still love them?" If the answer is no, it is time to go. If it is yes then you truly accept your partner for who they are. You get pure joy from them just existing and that is true love right there.

  36. Now I know why I can't break up with despite him being a hypocrite a liar and a cheater..I'm afraid of the emotions that will come with breakup..

  37. I just said I’m done tonight . And I’m done with control issues and an egotistical personality . Two sets of standards . Trust issues . I kept giving him chances to get it right and I was called a piece of shit by him tonight because I tried to express my feelings and he wasn’t having it . He said that he will show me that he will not try to control me anymore that this relationship was going no where and that it is over . I was shocked but not really . He said he would walk home . So I got up and left only to find him behind me saying that he couldn’t believe that I would leave him there and called me a piece of shit . I told him off and said I will never forget that he called me that ever . With that I’m done . Thank you for your video

  38. The second question really hit home for me. If I were to wake up single and have no emotions attached, I wouldn’t pursue my current boyfriend of 5.5 years. Answers the questions to the feelings I never knew how to articulate.

  39. thanks for the vid. I'm honestly so confused rn. you said whether or not you see potential with that person, and I do. She's extremely trust worthy and she basically idolizes me. but on the other hand I've been feeling unfulfilled and unsure since this shift in my mindset a few months back. I've been trying to shrug off the feeling since then, and it doesnt help that I'm quite codependent( working on that) but it's been resurfacing to the point where I feel as though I should say something but I don't want to hurt her or lose something that could have been great.

    a large part of me feels like I'm justbiding my time until I can make a clean break. but I have so many mixed emotions.

    anyways I enjoyed the bathtub metaphor and the insistence to trust my intuition (even if apart of me is overjoyed that I can put this off more)

    I guess I'll just leave it at that and try to make the most authentic decision.

  40. So me and my bf have been dating for almost 4 months and I feel stressed a lot not because of him but because of his friends and I’ve been considering breaking up a lot lately and this video made me realize that I don’t want to break up because I feel that we have something and it’s worth a little stress

  41. i think its time for me to let go. emotionally tierd of not given the same as i put in. and we are not a couple only friends

  42. Amazingly perfect way of simplifying the "should I stay or should I go" question we ask ourselves! Thanks for this!

  43. I want away, he coaxes me back he’s become flaky, he’s like a drug I can’t seem to leave.

    I need to get away, we’ve never argued, he makes me laugh so much.

    It’s the inconsistencies of late 🤔 he makes me ill and anxious.

    It him I’ve been consistent so he feels secure.

  44. She's been ignoring me for 3 months now cant hold it in no more its playing with me ae an I dont know if she still loves me she barely even talks to me so I dont know if I should just let her go been crying for 3 hours a she just watches lol must be time to break up she dont care about me 😭😭

  45. Best two questions to ask yourself! I've been through a break up in the last 18 months and once it was done I was relieved! And on those two questions I would have said no! The other thing I find my friends and I stated is that it felt more like a roommate than a love
    Hope this helps!

  46. All you men that are hating on this girl .below..dont take your little penis got me dumped story out on her. Just bc your girl was tired of your little penis that couldnt fuck her like an alpha male .could..yeah they had to line up some guys. Thats your beta ass problem. Thats your story not that girls. Dont take your terny weeny soft banana penis stories out on her. You probably fat gross n your balls are smelly and thats why u got dumped. Bc no girl wanta fat small soft beta in her fantasy or real life. Shut up or go to gay bar together. No man with confidence and is alpha would ever maje remarks of this kind bc they know how to treat women right and thats why they get your snatch. And always will. Your wime haters bc you got no game and cant get none. And u no. It. How bout get an operation on your penis enlarge it go to a gym shape up get plastic surgery on your everything and taje some classes from some alpha men. Maybe then youll get some and stop hatin on women…you sound like fools talkin about this girl. A real man with confidence cares n loves all women. What losers you are.

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