-It seems like there’s so much going on right now. Today the House sent the impeachment articles
to the Senate. A cheating scandal
in Major League Baseball cost the Boston Red Sox
manager his job. [ Cheering and applause ]
Ken Jennings — Ken Jennings won the “Jeopardy!”
Greatest of All Time tournament. [ Cheering and applause ] And an entire town in Michigan
smells like weed because so many residents
are growing it. [ Cheering, laughter,
and applause ]
There’s a lot to go over, so let’s just jump in
and cover it all at once. It is time for “News Smash.” ♪♪
[ Cheering and applause ] First up, impeachment. Today the house voted to send the impeachment articles
over to the Senate. There’s no doubt that
President Trump is in trouble. He put himself in serious [ Laughter and cheering ]
“Jeopardy!” The tournament was so fun to watch! Ken Jennings made it look
easy up there. It was almost like he was Cheating.
[ Laughter ] Red Sox manager Alex Cora
organized a scheme to steal signs from catchers. Now, he’s out of a job. To cheer himself up, he might
have to take a little trip to Weed Town, USA.
[ Laughter and applause ] The whole town
of Bessemer, Michigan, smells like weed ’cause so many
residents like to grow it. These people smoke so much weed, you bet you can never
see them on “Jeopardy!” It was
[ Laughter ] a historic,
once-in-a-generation event that we all got to watch on TV,
just like the Impeachment.
[ Laughter ] The trial starts soon
and there’s new evidence that Trump’s associates
threatened people to get dirt on Biden. Democrats are saying that’s
not okay and totally Stinks. This
[ Laughter ] town’s changing Michigan from
Great Lakes State to the Dank Stank State.
[ Laughter ] Growing that much weed
is a bold move. It takes Balls. The Red Sox
[ Laughter and applause ] could see them coming
from a mile away, since they knew the signs. But they got caught. They never should’ve Wagered it all. And that’s
[ Laughter ] what Ken Jennings did,
and it paid off big-time. His score was so high, in fact,
he might as well live in Bessemer, Michigan. So,
[ Laughter ] in conclusion, good luck, good luck, What is good luck? [ Laughter ]
What is — Wait, what? [ Laughter ] [ Cheering and applause ] -Acting! -[Chuckle] You guys,
I’m excited about this. Robert Downey Jr. is
my guest tonight! [ Boisterous cheering
and applause ] He stars in the new movie
“Dolittle.” Yep, “Dolittle,”
which pretty much sums up last night’s Democratic debate. [ Laughter ] That’s right, last night was
the seventh Democratic debate and a lot of people are saying
that it was pretty dull. It’s odd, ’cause I really
thought six white people standing behind podiums
onstage for two hours was gonna be a rager! [ Laughter ] But the main reason
people watched was to see Elizabeth Warren
and Bernie Sanders go at it after Bernie
reportedly told her a woman couldn’t win
the presidency. -Ooh.
-At the end of the debate, it seemed like there was
still some tension there. Check out what happened
when Bernie went to shake Warren’s hand. [ Applause ]
-The Democratic debate
in Des Moines, Iowa. This was the last time
Americans will hear [ Laughter ]
the Democratic candidates all onstage together.
Twenty days, six candidates onstage.
-Yeah, wow. -Laser focus on policy,
Iran, healthcare. -Can we see them again? [ Laughter ]
-Ooh. -Bernie looks
like a Delta gate agent who caught someone in zone 2
trying to board in zone 1. [ Laughter and applause ]
[gruffly] “There are rules! There are rules, ma’am! I’m gonna ask you.” [ Laughter ] That exchange looked
pretty intense. Luckily, we were able to get
the enhanced audio -Ooh.
-of what they were saying. It seems like people might be
blowing this outta proportion. Check it out.
-[whispering] Hey, Bernie, I was wondering if you’ve heard Justin Bieber’s new song
“Yummy.” -[whispering] What?
-It goes… ♪ You’ve got that
yummy, yummy ♪ -No! Listen! The only Bieber song
I listen to is “Sorry.” -“Yummy’s” better. -Your opinion, not mine. Agree to disagree.
-Hey, when you’re talkin’ about the 1%,
are you talkin’ about me? -[Bleep] off. [ Laughter and applause ] -Wow! [ Cheering and applause ]
We got that audio. My goodness.
Wow! -One of the biggest moments
from last night’s debate was Amy Klobuchar talking
about her election record. Check it out.
-My Republican opponents have gotten
out of politics for good [ Laughter ]
and I think — I think
that sounds pretty goo-oo-d. [ Laughter ] -[as Klobuchar]
Pretty goo-oo-d! Pretty goo-oo-d. It was trending
on Twitter last night. [as Klobuchar] Pretty goo-oo-d.
[ Laughter ] But I noticed you can
actually use [as Klobuchar] pretty goo-oo-d to describe a lot of things. Like, for example,
if you get an alert that your Grubhub order
is arriving early, that’s… -Pretty goo-oo-d. [ Laughter ] If you send the wrong text,
but switch your phone to airplane mode just
in time, that’s… -Pretty goo-oo-d.
[ Laughter ] Or finally,
if you happen to stop by Weed Town, USA, that’s… -[warbling slow-mo]
Pretty goo-oo-d. [ Laughter and applause ]
See? It works
in a bunch of ways. [ Cheering and applause ] And, now that the Iowa caucuses
are just weeks away, voters in the state are being
bombarded with campaign ads. The battle for airwaves
have gotten so intense that Mike Bloomberg is now
attacking the MyPillow guy. -Wow.
[ Polite laughter ] [ Laughing, claps ] -We knew that joke wasn’t
gonna work about 20 minutes ago,
but we still — [ Laughter ]
-Tried it, anyway, you know? -We still wanted to try
and see if it worked. And it didn’t.
-It did not. [ Laughter ] -I just like saying
MyPillow guy. -Come on. Who doesn’t?
[ Laughter ] -Even though he wasn’t
at the debate, Mike Bloomberg’s campaign
tried gaining some attention by tweeting out a bunch
of weird, absurd facts that had nothing
to do with the election. Did anyone see this? They even posted a photo
of Bloomberg’s face on a meatball.
Check this out. [ Laughter ] It says, “Spot the meatball
that looks like Mike.” So, if you’re keeping track,
Bloomberg’s appeared in zero debates,
but on one meatball. [ Laughter ] Well, as I mentioned,
today the House finally voted to send the articles
of impeachment to the Senate. I don’t know, maybe it’s
just me, but the impeachment sort of feels like
“Grey’s Anatomy.” Every time I see it,
my first thought is, “Is that still on TV?” [ Laughter ] That’s right, Pelosi appointed
seven impeachment managers, who will prosecute the case
against Trump. I don’t know if that
was a good idea. I mean, when you pick seven, aren’t you begging Trump
to give them dwarf nicknames
from “Snow White”? It’s like… [as Trump] There’s Congressman
Dopey, Sleepy, Grumpy.” [ Laughter ] Can we see a photo of Pelosi
and the seven managers? -Yeah.
-I know it doesn’t seem like much, but, compared
to last night’s debate, that looks like the cast
of “Dolemite.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] And maybe Pelosi was smart to delay sending
over the articles ’cause there’s new evidence
in the case against Trump. It turns out that one
of Rudy Giuliani’s associates, Lev Parnas, actually wrote
a note that said, “get Zalensky to
Announce that the Biden case
will Be Investigated.” Trump was furious.
He was like… [as Trump]
You stayed at the Ritz, instead of one of my hotels? [ Laughter ] But Trump’s keeping busy. Last night he held
a rally in Wisconsin, where he ranted
about dishwashers. He said people have to run them
ten times to get things clean. [ Laughter ]
First of all, since when does Trump use a dishwasher? [ Laughter ] Everything he eats comes
in a wrapper. [ Laughter ] Second, Trump said the same
exact thing about toilets. Yeah. He said people
are flushing toilets ten times to get them to work. I think I know
what’s going on here. I think Trump’s washing
his dishes in the toilet and he’s going to the bathroom
in the dishwasher. [ Ewwing and ohhing ] [ Laughter ] During an event today,
Trump welcomed several business leaders
to the White House, including Ford executive
Nancy Joy Falotico.
[“Fallateeko”] Let’s see how that went. -Nancy Fallohtohco, of Ford. [ Laughter ] Nancy, where are you? -[as Trump] Please welcome Nancy
from Ford versus Ferrari. [ Laughter ]
Some TV news: “Jeopardy!’s” Greatest of All
Time tournament is over and, in the end,
Ken Jennings won three games, James Holzhauer won one, and Brad Rutter didn’t win any. Yep, Rutter’s one
of “Jeopardy!’s” all-time greats and, now, everyone looks
at him like, “Pfew, idiot!” [ Laughter ] You guys, a lot of people
follow the news by just checking out
what’s trending on Twitter, but sometimes seeing
just a hashtag doesn’t tell the whole story,
so, to quickly catch you up on the week,
let’s look at why some of these things were trending. First up, there’s the
#incoherentdisaster. You may think it’s trending
because Trump ranting about toilets at his rally, [ Laughter ]
but #incoherentdisaster is actually trending ’cause it’s
the best review of “Cats.” [ Laughter and applause ] Next up is #whitenoise. You may think it’s trending
because Amazon has a deal on white noise machines. but #whitenoise
is actually trending because it’s how
most people describe last night’s Democratic debate. [ Laughter, ohhing ] Up next is the word #goat. It could be trending
’cause Ken Jennings was named “Jeopardy!’s”
Greatest of All Time. But goat is actually trending
’cause the main ingredient in Arby’s Meat Supreme
Stacked Sandwich. [ Ohhing ] [ Laughter ] That’s not a real sandwich.
Not a real sandwich. -That’s not real. Joke.
-I made it up. Next up, there’s #trex. It should be trending
’cause the band T. Rex is getting inducted into the
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. But #trex is actually
trending ’cause Bernie sanders talked
about his first pet. [ Laughter and applause ] And, finally, there’s the
#highclass. You may think
it’s trending ’cause the queen’s supportive statement
about Prince Harry. But the hashtag #highclass
is actually trending because of this moment
on “The Bachelor.” [ Tranquil tune plays ]
[ Laughter ] -There you go.
-We have a great show!