Randy as Jesus on Good News World


It’s that time of year again when we take a moment to reflect
on the true meaning of Christmas setting aside our consumerist
tendencies, and focusing instead on the event that shaped the
world as we know it, the birth of our Lord
Jesus Christ. Joining us now to discuss his
role in the Yuletide celebration is everyone’s favorite son, Jesus of Nazareth! [ laughter and applause ] Peace be with
you, Paul. And also
with you. Thank you. Oh, I love
doing that! Peace be with
you, Jesus! And also
with you! I love it! Yeah! Peace be with you,
Studio Audience! Audience:And also with you.Aww… It isvery
satisfying. Hey, I gotta
tell you, Jesus, -Yeah? it’s a real honour to have you on the show. Well, it’s an honour to be
here, Paul. You know, it’s all part of the book-tour,
all part of the book-tour. [ audience laughs ] The book-tour? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I’ve been up since 5 a.m.
doingbloody radio interviews,and after this I’m going to
be celebrity guest-judge on
Young Talent Time.
[ audience laughs ] My publicist is
a freakin’ psycho! [ audience laughs ] Uh, what book are you promoting? Uh, we’re going for a new
market withThe Holy Bible.Talkin’ to the kids,
takin’ it to the streets, Keepin’ itreal.Hm?
Keepin’ itreal.Uh-huh? It’s pretty much the same story,
but, in this version,I’m a vampire.-Wha–? [ audience laughs ] A… a Jesus-vampire? Yeah, I’m a vampire. It all fits in
quite well with the existing blood-
drinking routine
at the last supper. Of course, yeah.
Makes sense. Uh… Except inthisversion
I turn my disciples into a horde of heart-throb
Edward Cullens
and we prowl the streets
of Jerusalem fighting
crime bymoonlight.[ audience laughs ] So, picking up on
theTwilightfans? Yeah, yeah. Kids are reading
books again, so
you’re gonna… Yeah, you gotta… I mean
they’re reading books again. We’re gonna tap into that shit. [ audience laughs ] So, deviating from
the original text? Oh, yeah. Well, look, I mean… I was misrepresented in the
first version anyway, Paul. People seem to forget the
Bible was writtenby my fans.[ laughing ] The Bible is essentially
fan-fiction.
[ audience laughs ] Have you ever read
any fan-fiction, Paul? Fa…? Fan-fiction? Fan-fiction. Fan-fiction.
No. It’susuallyprettyshit.You know that whole
walking-on-water stuff? I love the
walking-on-water
stuff.That really got
me into the whole
Jesus-story, the
walking-on-water. I was in a dinghy. No! Yeah. Yeah.
Totes
in a dinghy,whatevs.No! Yeah. No! Nah, I was. What about the
lepers and stuff? Nah. No lepers. No lepers? There were
leopard-skin
underpants. Leopard-? No. Yeah. Yeah.
It’s all been thrown
way
out of proportion. Are you- are you just
down here for the book-
launch? Is that all? Well that’s mostly why I’m here,
to tap into the Christmas market
and all that but I’m tying it in
with The Third Coming. TheThirdComing?
Did I miss TheSecondComing? Most peopledidmiss the
second coming, Paul. I
kept it reasonably quiet. I snuck down in the mid-eighties to get aBarney Banana
and I wound up playing saxophone
forIcehouse
for a few months. Wow! Yeah, it’s pretty sweet.
Pretty sweet.So what will you be doing
with The Third Coming?
Two words, Paul:
feature films. Brilliant. Yeah. You’re going to
make movies? Oh,massively.
I’ve already sold the
rights to thetrilogy…Uh,Baz Luhrmann’s
gonna direct. Whoa!Hugh Jackmanwill
be playing me. And, uh, I’m going to resurrect
Bill Hunter
to play my dad. Of course.
That makes sense. Yeah. I’ve also written
an oddball comedy about a messiah that gets
wasted on his own blood-wine, and wakes up in Mexico with a
tattoo of Lucifer on his arse! [laughing] Zach Galifianakis is
playing me in that one. Aw. Great casting. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Great casting,
that’ll be brilliant. Yeah, he’s a good egg.I must say, Jesus,I did expect you to be a
little bit more, uh… Pious?Piousis probably
the word… Well, yeah, yeah. Can I
be honest with you, Paul?Of courseyou can be
honest with me, Jesus. I’ve lapsed. No… Yeah. Yep. I stopped
resting on the Sabbath, and then I was only really
performing miracles at Christmas and Easter, and then I kind of
just lost interest. [ audience laughs ] The Son of God has lost
interest in Christianity? [ loudly ]
Yep. Yep, yep.
Just between you and me, Paul… [ whispering ]
I’ve actually converted
toScientology.[ audience laughs ] Scientology?
But why? Yeah, yeah,
there’s more spaceships, less crucifixions, it just feels morefun.[ audience laughs ] Scientology?! Oh, yeah! Do you have any
parting message to share with the
people of Australia? Where two or more are
gathered in my name, I am there
in the midst of them; signing copies
of my new book. [ audience laughs ] Well, Jesus Christ… I meanJesus Christ,
it’s been a pleasure. Many happy returns
for the twenty-fifth. Thanks, Paul. Thanks
very much for having me. Ladies and gentlemen,
would you please thank
our lord Jesus Christ? [ cheers and applause ] Go in peace, my-
Go in peace, my children! [ cheering continues ] Go in peace! [ cheering continues ]

About the author

Comments

  1. So bloody is actually short for “I swear on the blood and bones of Christ” so “Jesus” said on my own blood and bones

  2. do a different prophet next. since all religions and cultures are equal, there shouldnt be any suicide bombings to worry about.

  3. I tried reading the Bible once, but the authors seem to have had absolutely no sense of proper pacing or narrative structure. A re-write would be a godsend.

  4. Listen, all I’m saying is have Morgan Freeman play the part of your dad, and everyone can call it “racially diverse”, because God forbid (hehe) that we have a misogynistic, repugnant, white male piece of trash play the role of God.

  5. i used to joke with my family that Christianity is just the jesus fandom and the bible is their fan fiction, and now here it is, coming from the mouth of a puppet 😂

  6. Hilarious all around, but I can't see Jesus converting to Scientology. Everything else is believable though.

  7. Cold-shouldering God? this won't end up well for any person, who is doing this.
    Are we Christians (not pseudo-christians) making fun of people because of their beliefs (or anything)?
    Why do you insult our choice, which is supreme to us, when we respect yours?

  8. EVEN IF THE WORDS WERE FROM GOD, THE BIBLE WAS WRITEN BY HUMANS. NO MATTER HOW YOU THINK YOU ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS, THE TRUTH AND FACT IS,
    ALL HUMANS CAN LIE !
    I LOVE HOW THERE ARE SO MANY EVIL HUMANS WHO SAY THAT THEY CAN BE AS EVIL AS THEY WANT AND STILL GO TO HEAVEN IF THEY BELIEVE IN THEIR GOD, BUT KIND PEOPLE, WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN THEIR GOD, GOES TO HELL.
    WELL, UNFORTUNATELY FOR THEM,
    I AM NOT A STUPID HUMAN
    AND THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT HUMAN
    ON MY SIDE.
    EVIL PEOPLE PLAY THE GAME
    AND THE GAME PLAYS THE EVIL PEOPLE.
    TICK TOCK,
    AROUND THE CLOCK.
    WHO IS HERE
    AND DOESN'T APPEAR.
    TO THE BEYOND
    AND BACK AGAIN.
    YOU NEVER KNOW,
    WHEN IT WILL END !
    😎

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *