Sean Spicer Press Conference (Melissa McCarthy) – SNL


>>>NEXT ON C-SPAN, THE DAILY
WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING WITH PRESS SECRETARY SEAN SPICER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>SETTLE DOWN!
SETTLE DOWN! SETTLE DOWN!
BEFORE WE BEGIN, I KNOW THAT MYSELF AND THE PRESS HAVE GOTTEN
OFF TO A ROCKY START. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
IN A SENSE, WHEN I SAY ROCKY START, I MEAN IT IN THE SENSE OF
“ROCKY” THE MOVIE. BECAUSE I CAME OUT HERE TO PUNCH
YOU! IN THE FACE!
AND ALSO I DON’T TALK SO GOOD. SO I’D LIKE TO BEGIN TODAY BY
APOLOGIZING ON BEHALF OF YOU, TO ME.
[ LAUGHTER ] FOR HOW YOU TREATED ME IN THE
LAST TWO WEEKS. AND THAT APOLOGY IS NOT
ACCEPTED. [ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE I’M NOT HERE TO BE YOUR BUDDY, I’M HERE TO SWALLOW GUM,
I’M HERE TO TAKE NAMES. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY, NOW LET ME WAVE SOMETHING
SHINY IN FRONT OF YOU MONKEYS! I’LL GET BACK TO YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ] AS YOU KNOW, PRESIDENT TRUMP
ANNOUNCED HIS SUPREME COURT PICK ON THE NATIONAL TV TODAY.
WHEN HE ENTERED THE ROOM, THE CROWD GREETED HIM WITH A
STANDING OVATION. WHICH LASTED A FULL 15 MINUTES.
YOU CAN CHECK THE TAPE. EVERYONE WAS SMILING.
EVERYONE WAS HAPPY. [ LAUGHTER ]
THE MEN ALL HAD ERECTIONS. AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE
WOMEN WAS OVULATING LEFT AND RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND NO ONE, NO ONE WAS SAD.
THOSE ARE THE FACTS FOREVER AND THERE’S SOMETHING ELSE.
WE GOT SOMETHING X, THREE, FOUR, CAPITAL P, CAPITAL T, EIGHT,
FOUR — NO, THAT’S MY E-MAIL PASS WORD, FORGET THAT.
STOP WRITING THAT DOWN! NOW.
PRESIDENT’S SCHEDULE FOR TODAY, 3:45, PRESIDENT WILL HOST AN
ENCORE SCREENING OF “FINDING DORY.”
[ LAUGHTER ] OKAY?
THE STORY OF A FORGETFUL FISH, OKAY?
EVERYBODY LIKES THAT. THEN AT 6:00 P.M. HE’S GOING TO
ABOLISH THE NATIONAL PARK SYSTEM.
BUT “DORY”! GOOD STUFF.
SO IF NOBODY HAS ANY QUESTIONS —
>>OKAY, A COUPLE QUESTIONS. GO.
GLEN FLUSH, “NEW YORK TIMES,” BOO!
GO AHEAD.>>YEAH, I WANTED TO ASK ABOUT
THE TRAVEL BAN ON MUSLIMS.>>IT’S NOT A BAN.
>>I’M SORRY?>>NOT A BAN.
THE TRAVEL BAN IS NOT A BAN WHICH MAKES IT NOT A BAN.
>>YOU JUST CALLED IT A BAN.>>BECAUSE I’M USING YOUR WORDS.
YOU SAID BAN. YOU SAID BAN, NOW I’M SAYING —
>>THE PRESIDENT TWEETED, AND I QUOTE, “IF THE BAN WERE
ANNOUNCED WITH A ONE-WEEK NOTICE —
>>YEAH, EXACTLY, YOU JUST SAID THAT.
HE’S QUOTING YOU. IT’S YOUR WORDS.
HE’S USING YOUR WORDS WHEN YOU USED THE WORDS AND HE USES THEM
BACK, IT’S CIRCULAR USING OF THE WORD AND THAT’S FROM YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>WHAT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>SERIOUSLY GLEN, ARE YOU GOING
TO START WITH ME RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE?
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE MY NUTS OUT SO YOU CAN GET A BETTER
KICK AT THEM?>>YOU HAD TO HAVE KNOWN THAT I
WOULD ASK THAT QUESTION –>>SIT DOWN, GLEN.
WHO HERE — JUST BY SHOW OF HANDS, WHO HATES GLEN?
QUICK SHOW OF HANDS. EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY.
ONE, TWO, THREE, INFINITY. NOW, LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT
EVERYONE RAISED THEIR HANDS AND EVERYBODY HATES GLEN.
PRINT THAT THAT’S YOUR STORY. NEXT QUESTION.
GO.>>YES, I’D LIKE TO ASK ABOUT
STEVE BANNON’S ROLE ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL.
>>OKAY, THAT’S A DUMB QUESTION. THAT’S A STUPID QUESTION.
SIT DOWN, GLEN.>>MY NAME IS NOT GLEN.
>>I KNOW, I’M JUST SAYING “GLEN” LIKE IN A GENERAL GLEN.
IT’S YOUR WORD, IT’S YOUR WORD. NEXT, GO.
>>YEAH, I’M ALSO CONCERNED ABOUT STEVE BANNON, A LOT OF
PEOPLE ARE SAYING HE’S THE ONE BEHIND THIS MUSLIM BAN.
>>YEAH, ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS STILL AREN’T GETTING IT.
YOU NEED SOME PROPS? MY WORD’S TOO BIG, I GOT TO SHOW
YOU IN PICTURES? GREAT, HERE WE GO.
WHEN IT COMES TO THE DECISIONS THE CONSTITUTION GIVES OUR
PRESIDENT LOTS OF POWER. AND STEVE BANNON IS THE KEY
ADVISER. [ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY? AND OUR PRESIDENT WILL NOT BE
DETERRED. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IN HIS FIGHT AGAINST RADICAL
MOOSE-LAMBS. NOW DOES ANYBODY ELSE HAVE ANY
QUESTIONS?>>YEAH, “WALL STREET JOURNAL.”
ARE YOU OKAY? [ LAUGHTER ]
>>TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT, TAKE IT!
YOU CANNOT COME AT ME LIKE THAT, I WILL PUT YOU IN THE CORNER
WITH CNN!>>WE’RE NOT FAKE NEWS!
>>YOU LIKE THAT, YOU LIKE THAT, DORK?
YOU LIKE THAT, DORK? [ LAUGHTER ]
COOL OUT, ALL RIGHT? OBVIOUSLY I’VE BEEN GETTING A
LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT BETSY DeVOS, OKAY?
NOMINEE FOR SECRETARY OF EDUCATION.
SO WE ACTUALLY HAVE HER HERE TODAY TO FIELD SOME FEW — FIELD
FEW SIMPLE QUESTIONS — WHICH I’M SURE SHE’S CAPABLE OF DOING.
BETSY! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>HELLO. THANK YOU, YEAH.
YES. THE MAN?
>>HI. I DON’T THINK WE EVER GOT A
CLEAR ANSWER ON THIS. HOW DO YOU VALUE GROWTH VERSUS
PROFICIENCY IN MEASURING PROGRESS IN STUDENTS?
[ LAUGHTER ]>>YEAH, WELL, I — I DON’T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT SCHOOL. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I DO — I DO THINK THERE SHOULD BE A SCHOOL.
PROBABLY JESUS SCHOOL. AND I DO THINK IT SHOULD
HAVE WALLS AND ROOF AND GUN FOR POTENTIAL GRIZZLY —
>>THANK YOU. THAT’S ENOUGH FOR NOW.
THANK YOU. I’LL ACCEPT ONE LAST QUESTION.
YEAH I’LL TAKE THIS LOSER.>>I’VE GOT A QUESTION ABOUT THE
STATEMENT THE WHITE HOUSE RELEASED ON HOLOCAUST
REMEMBRANCE DAY. DO YOU THINK IT WAS ANTI-SEMITIC
TO NOT EVEN MENTION THE JEWISH PEOPLE IN THIS STATEMENT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? [ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?>>THIS IS SOAPY WATER AND I’M
WASHING THAT FILTHY LYING MOUTH OUT!
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
FIRST OF ALL, HOW COULD THE STATEMENT, A STATEMENT BE
ANTI-SEMITIC? THE GUY WHO WROTE IT WAS SUPER
JEWY. [ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY? AND THE FACT IS A LOT OF
DIFFERENT PEOPLE SUFFERED IN THE HOLOCAUST, IT WASN’T JUST THE
JEWS. IT WAS ALSO THE GYPSIES, THE
LESBIES, AND THESE OTHER GUYS. THAT’S YOUR WORDS.
YOUR WORDS! THAT’S ENOUGH FOR TODAY.
SPICY’S GOT TO GO BYE-BYE RIGHT NOW, NEED A BIG-BOY NAP.
WAKE ME UP EXACTLY ONE MINUTE BEFORE TOMORROW’S PRESS
CONFERENCE. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S
SATURDAY NIGHT!>>YEAH, THAT ALREADY HAPPENED.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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