So Much News, So Little Time – Theresa May, Jussie Smollett & The Bagel Butcher | The Daily Show


Brexit. It’s how people in the U.K. say, “We’re (bleep) screwed.” And now things
are more Brexit than ever. The future of Britain,
one of America’s closest allies, is uncertain right now
as the Brexit deadline looms. In a last-ditch effort
to end the Brexit deadlock, British Prime Minister
Theresa May promised Parliament
she will resign if it backs her withdrawal plan. If May’s plan fails, Parliament would have
until April 12 to come up with an alternative or exit the European Union
without a deal. Man, this thing is so crazy.
She says she’s gonna resign, they voted eight times,
none of the votes got accepted, and now nearly three years after voting to leave
the European Union, the U.K. still can’t figure out
how to actually do it. Right now Brexit is the world’s
biggest Escape the Room. That’s all this is. Everyone’s just confused, like, “Have you tried writing
a new trade agreement?” “Doesn’t work.
It’s not working.” “What about the Irish border?” “It’s stuck. It’s stuck.” “Expelliarmus!” “That’s not a real thing.” “Well, it was worth a try.” “All right,
we could just stay in the room. “I like the room. I don’t want to leave the room.” “Well, bloody hell, it wouldn’t
be an Escape the Room if we didn’t escape, did it?” “Well, I know
this seems complicated, but let me break it down
for you.” “John Oliver! John Oliver,
you’re here to save us.” “No, actually,
I live in America now, “so this is
your (bleep) problem. “But I do have a very funny way “to explain how
totally (bleep) screwed you are. So bloody (bleep) screwed.” “Oh, my God!” So, that’s basically Brexit.
Uh… -(cheering and applause)
-Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. You know, to be honest,
we shouldn’t be surprised that the British are taking
this long to leave Europe. I mean, they aren’t good
at leaving anything. You know, pubs, colonies. Yeah? Why do you think Alfred
is still living with Batman? A 40-year-old man
doesn’t need a nanny. He just doesn’t know
when it’s time to leave. Batman’s probably like, “I told you I can take care
of myself, Alfred.” He’s like,
“You’re just cranky, sir. How about a little bat nap?” Like, “Okay, Alfred. Only if you give me
my bat blankie.” “Of course, sir. Of course.
Yes, of course, sir.” In other news, Jussie Smollett. A month ago,
the Empire actor was attacked by two Trump supporters who turned out
to be Nigerian weight lifters who turned out
to be American brothers. Then after Jussie was arrested
for faking a hate crime, all the charges were
suddenly dropped for no reason. And now the story
is getting weird. Just when you thought the case
of Jussie Smollett couldn’t possibly have
any more twists and turns, it does– again. Jussie Smollett told police
that he was attacked by two men wearing masks. Now his attorney says
one of them might even have been
in whiteface. Took me all of five minutes
to google. You know,
I was looking up the brothers, and one of the first videos
that showed up, actually, was one of the brothers
in whiteface doing the Joker monologue
with white makeup on. And so it’s not…
it’s not implausible. I’m sorry, what? (laughter) So, now Jussie’s lawyer says
he might have thought those Nigerian guys
were white guys because they were wearing makeup
under their ski masks? And she says that makes sense
because she saw a video where one of them
was in whiteface. Now, first of all,
that’s not whiteface, all right? That’s Joker face. All right? That’s not how
white people look. No one sees that and goes,
“Oh, hey, is that Kyle?” (laughter and applause) Who gets confused with this? And just by the way, by Nigerian
movie production standard, that YouTube clip
is a blockbuster. I mean, that movie… In fact, I actually hope they
make a Nigerian Joker movie. It would be amazing. Be the best thing ever.
It would be like, “Ah, why so serious,
Batman, huh? “Can you answer that for me,
Batman? “Why are you so serious, huh? “And also,
why do you still have a nanny? “You are a grown man,
Batman, huh? It is time to grow up, huh?” And finally, finally,
this is a story that really affected me
personally. I’ve lived in New York City
for almost four years now, and you know what I love
about this amazing city is how multicultural it is. Like, you can bring your own
everything to this place– your own music,
your own language, your own style–
and there will be space for it. But one thing
New Yorkers will not tolerate is you messing with their food. Hold the cream cheese
and lay off the lox. A BagelGate controversy
has exploded on social media. WOMAN: A St. Louis man is taking
some serious heat for having his bagels sliced
a little differently. He brought the bagels
for his office and had them sliced vertically
like bread. He said it was a hit
at the office. However, some called it
a crime against bagels. The NYPD’s chief of detectives
also weighed in saying, it was out of the department’s
jurisdiction, but he says it would never
happen in New York City. Yeah, that’s right.
Never in New… Are you kidding me?
Are you kid…? You know what? As a New Yorker who’s adopted
this city, this boils my blood! Come on, man!
You don’t bread-slice bagels. What, do you eat pizza with
a knife and fork, as well? Huh? You eat sushi with your ass?
What are you doing? (laughter) There’s only one proper way
to eat a bagel, and now, you guys know it
because you’re New Yorkers. I don’t need to tell you this. But for everyone else out there,
it’s really simple. When you’re eating a bagel,
right, what you do is, you’ve got your bagel,
you’ve got your lox, and you’ve got
your cream cheese, okay? That’s what you got, okay?
And then, what you do is, you try and put everything
in the blender. (laughter, gasping, groaning) So you put the cream cheese
in the blender with-with the lox,
as well, okay? And then, you get the bagel in
there. There we go. Like that. And I know what you’re thinking. “Yeah, that looks
a little bit dry.” That’s why I add a lot
of soy sauce, all right? (audience groaning, gasping) But not too much. Just one bottle, okay? And now what you do is, you make
sure you got all that in, and then, you just…
blend that all… Come… come on! Come on!
You got… It’s, like, really tough,
but it’s-it’s great. It’s delicious.
You get that really chunky. Oh, that’s…
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah! Yeah! There we go. And that’s how you make… (audience groaning, gasping) Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! That’s how you make a New York
bagel. L’Chaim, baby.

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Comments

  1. Bagel desecration isn't a new thing, at least out here on the West Coast. The deli in the old San Francisco Emporium department store (d.1995) had clerks who would 'bread-slice' bagels. More out of ignorance than policy, it seems. Reports of this bagel abuse in the local papers caused plenty of hilarity and angst with East Coast folks out here. And good, "real" bagels still hard to find in our foodie paradise…

  2. I'm very impressed by how many accents he can emulate. But one thing, in Italy… sorry, in Naples a lot of people eat pizza with fork and knife, so it's not wrong.

  3. ahhah, you nigerian accent has no pigin and not as fluent as your other accents you make better. you really need nigerian jollof

  4. Trevor's part with the bagel reminds me of when Daddy Jon Stewart showed us how to eat a real New York pizza.

  5. wow I was listening to this on Spotify and when he got to the bagel bit I had to come here at to watch a clip because that was too ridiculous not to see with my own eyes

  6. Brilliant!! This guy knows perfectly England… And this Scottish accent.!! 😂😂

  7. OMG, I thought it was hilarious that, while he was blending that stuff, his vocal chords were saying, "Oh yeah, oh yeah." but the whole rest of his face was saying, "I'm gonna puke."

  8. As soon as I realized he was going to actually try that smoothie, I was like 'Trevor, noooooooooooooooooooooo.' XD

  9. Jussie smollet is the perfect example for those that say, it is rich priviledge, there is just nothing better.

  10. people should be more upset that most of the people in jail are there without a trial due to plea bargaining, than are upset about Jussie Smollett.

  11. Oh my gosh Trevor's John Oliver impression 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Also. That's the best way to eat bagels, you heathens.

  12. If you from saint Louis that’s how you eat bagels from bread co if you sharing it with a lot of people

  13. Trevor Noah's forgetting that some African Movies LITERALLY have a "Video Joker" offering completely nonsense asides in voice-over in the manner of MT3K!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iav-Xu00xeQ

  14. For real though every time I go to an escape room they have one bull shit puzzle where you have to say soming at a wall or do a "spell" ……noooooo the rooms should be self contained 😤 this is the hill I'll die on

  15. I slice a bagel into four slices, but the correct direction, so I get 2x the surface area for jam & butter, and also get two perfectly crispy middle-slices. With cheap bagels, the bottom-most 'slice' is wafer thin and tossed out for the birds, so there's three lovely thick slices.

  16. A) I would absolutely watch a Nigerian Joker movie, no hesitation.

    B) That smoothie might be decent with just a touch less soy sauce; I'd have to see how the texture came out and how exactly the flavors are blended together into one.

    C) The Escape Room bit was impressive because he didn't just use the same type of UK accent for everybody, and I love it.

  17. Trevor, Your scottish is really nice but you have to work on your british "accent"… that one is painful to hear. funny stuff though

  18. Why u put a hole in bagels and donuts anyways? Stupid as hell. Not capable of making good bread, thats what it is

  19. I thought you just cut the bagel in half fown the middle & spread the cream cheese over the sliced halves, then put them together & eat. You know, like a sandwhich. That or just eat the bagel plain.
    Does this mean I've been preparing & eating bagels wrong my whole life?

  20. Not many things make me gasp, but when he actually drank it I gasped with my hand over my mouth and couldn't move for a few moments.

  21. What was he thinking maybe he was too cheap to get one for everyone in the office. But that's why we have mini bagels.

  22. You like now the left doesnt defend this Jossie Smollets actions whatsoever yet if this was a right winger saying blacks attacked them saying "fuck Trump" they'd never ever stop airing it on fox news and they'd fucking defend them through and through

  23. 3:44 I would have let that man go because you know he got the idea people he is mocking if he is unwittingly intelligent then he has been taught that either directly or indirectly and has no idea about crime and all of its aspects they haven't been taught that part so yes again I reiterate I would let him go

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