The Hardest Person in the World To Break up With


Break-ups are almost invariably difficult,
but that isn’t to say there aren’t different degrees of complexity at stake in different
constellations. Nor does it preclude the existence of a cataclysmically painful but too-little
known type whom we can call the hardest person in the world to break up with.
A relationship with them begins like this: you’re very drawn to them. Perhaps they
very much attract you physically and their personality is compelling as well. You admire
them and, in areas, feel a lot of sympathy for them too; there’s probably something
in their past which really interests and touches you. You have no desire to break up, and in
fact, you’d love this to last till the end. For their part, they seem to be keen on you.
That’s what they’ve said on a number of occasions. They show no interest in leaving
you. They want this to be for the long-term, perhaps forever.
And yet there is a problem, a problem so grave and yet so hidden, so damaging and yet so
hard to grasp, that you can only bear slowly to face up to it. You start to realise that
the partner whom you love and who says they love you is having a grievously detrimental
effect on your mental or physical well-being. What wrong might the partner be perpetrating?
It is a spectrum. At one end, they might be hitting you. But the spectrum is long and
it contains all sorts of far more insidious ways in which, without ever raising a hand,
let alone a finger, one human can badly damage another. They might be having affairs, or
spending too much money. They might be addicted to something. Or, and this is properly hard
to get a grip on, they may be constantly ‘absent‘. They show no reliable warmth towards you,
they never initiate any touch, they may never hug. They are present but not really there.
Probably, as soon as these problems first arose, you started to complain. But you did
so softly, or sarcastically or bitterly. Not head on. After all, you love them and you’re
a good boy or girl. It can take a long time, years, decades, before you finally dare to
find your voice and come to a place of being able to raise an adult objection. What then
happens when you at last ask these types to face up to the harm you feel they are doing
to you? There are two main responses, both of them are appallingly hard to master, the
second is the very hardest. (i) They Confess it
Fed up at last, you tell them that you’ve had enough of the violence, affairs, addiction,
financial spend, distance, lack of intimacy, lack of sex… You raise an ultimatum. If
they don’t finally raise their game, you’re going to be leaving (even though, of course,
it’s the last thing you really want; you love them!). You may be shaking and flushed
after you have spoken. You’re feeling you might be crazy (surely it’s crazy to threaten
to leave someone you love who says they love you!). You’d expected all sorts of dark
responses on their part – but something that is on the surface rather lovely now happens.
They admit it! They confess! They say, my goodness you’re right, I hadn’t really
fully realised until now, until you made me finally open my eyes to how I’ve harmed
you. Baby, I hear you! Baby, I’m so sorry! The person promises that they will now change.
They just need a bit of time, they just need your understanding. They suggest getting themselves
a therapist, once a month or so. And then they’ll get on top of their issues. Their
ready candour is deeply moving – and suggests they really have a handle on their psyches.
You are, in any case, desperate to believe them, they have a very willing audience indeed.
The problem is that, despite their promises, the person doesn’t change at all. They make
a short term adjustment, strong enough to ensure you won’t leave them on the time-scale
you were threatening, but not profound enough to correct the problem – and allow you your
freedom. And in the gap between their promise to change and your realisation that they haven’t
got the ability (or perhaps intention) to do so, children may have been born (they wanted
kids to keep you around; you wanted them as a token of the happy future that was being
promised). Commitments pile up, and there are fewer options left in the world beyond.
You might not be so young any more. (ii) They Deny it
However hideous all the above sounds, there is an even worse kind of relationship to leave
than that. This is one with the same dynamics but with one extra twist at the end. When
you finally confront them with the problem, they don’t confess: they deny it! They tell
you you’re dreaming: you’re imagining it, not remotely, the problem lies with you,
they say. At the same time, they get very incensed and offended at the suggestion you’re
making: you’re so cynical about me, don’t you trust me?! How rude you are about me!
Why don’t you have more faith in me and in us? And they push back: you’re just as
neurotic as you say I am. The problem is with you and not me… This is mine-field territory.
Relationships and their interactions are generally not filmed. So it’s very hard for you to
back up your claims or even be sure of your verdicts, when they are relentlessly challenged:
is the loved one spending too much money; or am I just nagging? Are they actually flirting;
or am I just jealous? Are they failing to initiate sex; or am I just insecure? The partner
whom you love and really don’t want to leave and who says they love you adds to the difficulty
you face by enthusiastically telling you, with authority, that you really are a bit
crazy, that you are seeing things, that you are too demanding, that there’s something
wrong with you… Probably, you’re an open minded, nice, intelligent person – and open-minded,
nice, intelligent people tend to give others the benefit of the doubt. After all, such
types know they aren’t perfect, they’re aware of everything they get wrong, they don’t
feel they’re brilliant in every way. Therefore, perhaps it’s quite plausible that here too,
you may be seeing things that aren’t there. Why insist, especially when you love your
partner and want to be with them? Here is a nice person telling you you are a bit mad
and imagining things? It’s a dispiriting message, but if disregarding your impulses
(and your emotional needs) is the price you pay for keeping a relationship aloft, maybe
it’s worth it. Maybe it’s worth thinking of yourself as a bit insane. At least you’ll
still have a partner. So, more time passes, and you stay put – and in that time, probably
there are more children, more entanglements, and less of life left for you to build on
afterwards. There is also highly likely to be a destruction of your sense of reality.
You will probably start to feel as mad as you’re being subtly told you are. You might
have a breakdown – which isn’t an ideal backdrop against which to leave anyone.
All that said, in both of the above cases, eventually, you will have to leave. Your long-term
mental well-being depends on it. But it isn’t a picnic, having to leave someone you love;
who says they love you – and who is either falsely promising to change or denying they
need to change because you’re the defective one to begin with.
You will feel extremely alone with this decision. You will be left to wrestle either with feelings
that you are nasty (for leaving someone who is promising again and again to change) or
that you are mad (for leaving someone who tells you you’re demented to doubt their
sincerity). You will have to destroy a relationship that might have children in it on the basis
of nothing more firm than an inner sense that your partner is doing something seriously
deficient to your wellbeing and cannot stop themselves doing it – despite telling you
they love you. And yet you will have to leave. In order to
leave, you will need to think in your mind: I am in love with someone who is damaged.
They cannot realistically change and may even be using me as a reason not to change. Or
they are in denial and are abusing my credulity and self-doubt not to look more honestly into
themselves. And you will have to think: there is probably something in my past, a history
of putting up with intolerable situations, which makes me a long-term sucker for this
sort of suffering. Mountain climbers know that certain peaks
cannot be climbed on one’s own. You need a climbing buddy, and in this context, let’s
call them a psychotherapist or a very very good friend, the sort who can put in the time
to reassure you of your sanity and who can be there for you at the inevitable moments
when you feel like you’re making the worst choice in the world even though, despite your
self-hating feelings that you’re impatient or getting everything wrong, you are in fact
in the process of taking the very best decision of your life. Deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship is one of the trickiest and consequential decisions we can face. Our Stay or Leave card game can help us towards an answer. Click now to learn more.

About the author

Comments

  1. so fucking over dramatized. jesus. some of this happens in every relationship. it's about commitment and hard limits. just set hard limits people and have hard expectations, remember old school principles of mercy, trust, loyalty. oh yeah, you all lost religion and now get your dogma from YouTube. nvm. yay humanity.

  2. This hurt so much… The second situation is exactly what I'm going through. Good luck and support to everyone going through the same. You're awesome and you're loved.

  3. My mother got herself stuck in one of these and now I have an awful step father and two half siblings that are treated wrongly by him. She almost left him this June, but he made false promises and she stuck around.

  4. Borderlines and Narcissists, or a combo of the two….Disconnected and manipulative, denial merchants and buck passers and very dangerous. Particularly dangerous for children, get help and get loose. xx

  5. Hardest thing ever. But when you find yourself questioning your own sanity, you know its time to go. This was me, actually thought I was losing my mind until I left and now I can see how toxic it was. Never. again.

  6. There's that inconvenient little option that your partner is correct and that YOU are in deep need of psychotherapy and that THEY are quite healthy.

  7. Word of advice: ignore everyone else’s advice that sound more like a command to have children as soon as you’re in that hotel room on your wedding night. Family are always butting in asking “when are you going to have kids?” as if they had a wager going. Many of them already fucked up their lives by having them too early and killing any plans to travel, study, pursue a career or advancement, and they subconsciously want the same to happen to you. Wait 5 years before having them for your sake, your partner’s and the kids. If you find you are incompatible or it was a mistake to marry, there are no kids to force you to remain married. One step further: don’t marry until you’ve lived with that person a few years and are 1000% sure it will, not “may” work out. And fuck what the family says. They’ve fucked up their lives, no need to fuck up yours in “solidarity “.

  8. My girlfriend of three years just broke up with me. She would always talk about our future and where we would live and what our kids names would be, and then one day out of no where, she breaks up with me over text.

  9. 12 years later and a baby… staying with an alcoholic … blamed for everything … I broke up with him more times that I can remember… finally God helped me see that it was a toxic relationship… God can’t help
    Anyone who doesn’t want to help themselves….

  10. Damn, everything about this is completely accurate with my recent break up. Everything. Except he left me, without really telling me or talking to me at all about it, then came back and it was obvious he didn’t want to be with me anymore despite telling me otherwise. He was never ‘present’ like the video mentions, but I was so in love I didnt see, and chose to ignore the red flags . He went through some crazy childhood trauma, he broke up with a girlfriend of 5 years only 4 months before we started dating. I was afraid I was a rebound but he assured me I wasn’t and he was so in love with me and wanted to spend ‘forever’ with me. I wasn’t easy to put up with at times, but I fought for us. He snapped one day when I caught him looking up this one girl I already called him out on several times and kicked me out. Blamed all my flaws on our downfall, yeah. Spoke of kids and marriage, yeah. At least now I can identify the red flags :/

  11. This shit was really triggering watching the second outcome. I got stuck in a relationship for 8 years like that. It ate my 20s I’m 27 now trying to live out what I missed. Shit burns but I’m grateful for the time I have left.

  12. Looking back now he helped me become a stronger person. I still loved him when I left but everything was always my fault and he wasn't willing to change. He didn't want to commit. I held on so long because of my faith in him. I stayed because i was co-dependent and didn't want to start over. I felt bad for him. I could relate to him having been neglected. Leaving was the best thing I could have done though. You CANNOT fix someone that is broken, and you can't help someone that doesn't want to change. Now I am with someone that treats me right, doesn't blame me for their actions, loves me, and is committed. Fate led me to a much brighter future. If I had stayed I would have never been with the man I am with today, and I would not have a baby on the way.

  13. I recently left a year long relationship where we'd see each other at weekends. She had a pattern of being hot one day and completely absent and cold the next. It would happen randomly and she'd say it's because we're distant and if we moved together that wouldn't happen. I didn't want to take the risk and ended it. : (

  14. This can also be applicable to parent relationships. Maybe not the intimacy sex part, less ya live in Kentucky (sweet home Alabama plays softly). But seriously. I think this can be tweaked and applied to friendships, coworkers and superiors and parents or family. In my experience, the parent one is the worst. Too often you run back, but remember they are human too!!!

  15. I've been here, it's horrible, nothing but pure heartache, I've made changes and tried to fix everything under the sun, option 2 sounds like my situation, on egg shells, hopeful….Sucker!!!

  16. Anybody who is willing to stay with such a person, has more profound personal problems, then the "bad" guy, this video is describing. If somebody is hurting you, you don't like his coldness, etc. don't start a pathetic relationship with him in the first place.

  17. I really enjoy these SoL videos. On this specific topic, I have to point out the obvious: i.e. the suffering victims in these dysfunctional relationships can equally be either the woman or the man. Far too often, the implicit, subliminal message appears to depict these scenarios with a wronged female and the guilty male. Even this video seems to do the same with the accompanying pictures – and frankly, even some of the talking points I heard.

  18. I’ve experienced every single one of these scenarios 😔 when I finally decided to leave him with my children it took a full blown argument with my mother to see that he could not care for them. By the time I got round to making plans to take my children with me too with the support of social services, he was already arrested for grooming children online and my children were taken away 😢 it has been a long year since all that has happened, but I am getting closer to being reunited with my babies every day. My issue was that I always believe I could be the lion, and instead of looking out for myself I was looking out for him… truly believing that I was crazy to think he could be so lazy and arrogant.

  19. There are people who are children of the devil:
    "Then Jesus replied, ‘Have I not chosen you, the Twelve? Yet one of you is a devil!’

    John 6:70
    This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: anyone who does not do what is right is not God’s child, nor is anyone who does not love their brother and sister.

    1 John 3:10

  20. Did anyone else laugh out loud listening to this? It almost came across as satirical. The way this Dude talks about very dark, serious topics in a constant up breath jovial nonchalant tone. It actually made it funny. Then the video ends with a "let's play a should you leave an abusive relationship card game".

  21. Why is there a definitive leaning towards it being the male beast of a claw toothed abusive lion, rather than the sweet innocent looking (probably utterly devoid of any real loyalty) female to blame for the split.

    I know when it comes to modern cultures socially engineered females, you predominantly find a bunch of Alpha seeking, beta training, validation loving, personal gratification motivated women who want the power of a man, the privileges of being female, and the responsibilities of neither.

    Then when real men reject their delusional herd mentality thinking, they run screaming abuse. And allow another potential victim to chase them. A woman's job in this scenario is to focus on looking good enough to chose from and then domesticate or tame the men who bust their asses to make it to the top of dominance hierarchies.

  22. Its more like the man is smart enough to realize he's not perfect and wants to be progressive. To the woman that is often a concession of defeat, and validation at once. So men learn. Treat her like a queen and she'll treat you like her subject (perhaps a "sweet prince") But treat her like a celebrity and she will treat you like a fan.

    In fact lets just be honest. The majority of relationship issues revolve more around socially engineered values installed in women relational to domesticating men to be more socially desirable/agreeable like women, so that they are easier to exploit. Its actually often more about functioning in a Luciferian civilization of human farmers by denying, suppressing, and failing to comprehend a humans instinctual nature, than anything to do with an individual man and woman in love.

    How often do you hear "Never chase a man if he pulls back, Know your value, don't tolerate being disrespected, a man will chase what he wants, be patient." Now when a man pulls back, he expects to hear "I can tell you are in pain, please come to me and let me help" or at least "Please don't leave me" But instead you get the women trying to hold strong like men, until the men break down like women. Its just a bunch of insanity, topped off by all the women running around with EMF emitting smart devices in their pockets slowly microwaving all the reproductive eggs they are born with.

    So even if you do want to make a go at it with one these modern evil sweet well meaning demons, your children and grand children will probably suffer epigenetic damage, thus making them even easier to farm than you.

  23. While I don't think this is false, I do believe there is another kind of person who is equally difficult to break up with. The person who was initially your friend, maybe even best friend, before you became more than that. You genuinely admire them and both love each other mutually. They are good and kind to you, and frequently might give you gifts and just be the sweetest girlfriend /boyfriend ever. But you think that you enjoyed your relationship better as friends. You don't want to lose their friendship, and think they might be less willing to talk to you or might break off the friendship altogether if you break up with them. Also, they've done so much for you, and you don't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel unappreciated. However, you almost feel trapped. To you, it feels more like a friendship with a label that prevents you from pursuing other love. The truth is, as long as you are with them, you can't be with someone else. So I don't think is the hardest person to be with (unlike the video, that seemed like a very toxic relationship), they can be some of the hardest people to break up with.

  24. I am so lucky to have the ability to cut off connections that give me bullshit, regardless of how i feel for the person.

    But i disagree. The hardest person to break up with is the one you love and love you back, who is not a mere lover but more importantly a best friend, who’s been your teammate for the longest time, who chooses you everyday and every step of the way, who puts you first all the time, who strives to be the best version of themselves, who sees the rest of his life with you, who cries when you cry and laughs when you laugh, yet somehow the fault in your stars happens – you have to part. 😔 🐘🦢

  25. I put up with my mother in this sense. She abused me. I put up with it. Eventually I wanted to leave, and she says all sorts of insults and says the problem is with me, not her.

    Leaving causes me to break down, but I'm young enough not to have any commitments. Life is good now, but sometimes I still feel as if I made the wrong decision, and I'm crazy, selfish and ungrateful. But would anyone who truly loved you dismiss your claims? No. They wouldn't. It's time for you to do what's best for you for once. My mental health has improved, but I'm still shaken.

  26. This is just how life is,
    if you are a girl especially
    the guys who are nice wont attract you because that's a womans nature to be attracted to the player type, if you want a easy going guy you gotta set your boundaries way down

  27. I went through the same in my relationship… first he acknowledged it and said he will change but as time has passed, there was no change happening…sh*t things were still on going. At the next discussion he started the 2nd option, to deny it and turn the reason of his behaviour on me. Not it got to a point where there’s no other option than to leave… they never change, they just try to delay it and keep you stuck there as ling as they can🧐

  28. I'm not joking, I was with a girl that had both responses, first she confessed, and then she blamed me for everything. That relation really destroyed me.

  29. This channel has all the wisdom, insight, and "gentle, kind pushes of normally hard-to-swallow advice or realities" that I have always craved all my life. It's kind of like, words from a mother or father, that I have been missing all my life, either because they were too afraid to say it for fear of being too brash, or didn't even know how to advise me, or simply didn't even have the tools to recognize how to help me themselves. Thank you for the lovely insight of this channel, and for delivering it with such gentleness, yet firmness and confidence. I have experienced much hardship in my childhood with not many tools to use in my own relationships, but I am acquiring them with information such as this. Thank you for your public contribution to help people such as me. Blessings. <3

  30. My marriage 😕 the first situation. “I’ll change. I’ll do better.” Both of us tbh. So many of us don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. Especially when growing up in a dysfunctional family. We fell to realize where it starts.

  31. Hahaha I wish. My feelings faded away after my ex started treating me the way I didn’t want him to. He didn’t care that I left but he dared to come back begging for forgiveness but it was already too late. I lost all of my feelings toward him after I found a guy who was giving me everything I could ever wish for.

  32. I stumbled across this video at 01h30am feeling the tremendous heartbreak, we brokeup 2 weeks ago. I'm finally letting go , he was the second one who says I'm crazy and him playing victim always criticising me, manipulative etc…he tore me down emotionally. This video is a good description of him the second one. .I couldn't explain it any better.

  33. I literally got dumped today over this. I started a new job where the team works insanely long hours and my girlfriend of four years started to complain that she was feeling out of touch. I’m not sure if it was my drug use (I smoked weed every day after work, which ends at midnight by the way, when I could’ve been spending time with her) or my inability to make her feel loved in this time, but she decided I was bad for her health and she dumped me. I wish I could’ve prioritised better because she made my mental health better and I lost something good from my life.

  34. This is my last relationship, he always made me feel like crap for NOT wanting him to shoot up. Stop trying to “change” me. Bitch please…

  35. Funny thing, the other person could have been the manipulative lion, and was also accusing me of being the lion. So anyway you could look at both of us being the abuser in this relationship…

  36. My ex wife never let me hug her or touch her, spent 6000$ of my money a month, always calling me crazy and stupid etc. Had multiple affairs. One day she left me because she fell in love with another guy. I loved her so much and I was so sad when she left, but literally 1 week later I felt happier than I had felt in so many years. Finally a peaceful place, just myself, without anyone shouting at me for every single little thing I do, being constantly on edge expecting more shouting coming at any moment, finally a feeling of being able to just simply exist without being critisized and insulted every minute of the day… It was so nice, and now 2 years later I'm so much happier than I've ever been in my life. I don't get mad at work anymore. And when something really bad happens I don't go insane about it, I just think like inevitably things happen and it's OK it's normal and nothing to worry about it can be fixed…like my whole mindset has become 100x more positive and my whole mental state. So many positive changes. I actually feel very blessed that she fell in love with someone else and decided to leave me, because I know I'd never have been able to do it, and I would've been stuck in that terrible life forever. Sounds like absolute hell… This video confirms it, and it makes me appreciate that everything turned out this way even more so

  37. I just left my abusive, pathological narcissist boyfriend whom I loved very much. It was very hard to do so. This video was playing throughout my entire relationship with him, right before my eyes. & then this video was playing in the back of my mind the whole time I was breaking up with him. I just kept hearing "But you have to *leave*", in a soothing British tone of voice.

    I have never felt better. I am 100x lighter. I smile & sing for no reason at all. I can laugh as loudly as I want & no one will stifle me. No one will verbally abuse me any more. & if they do, I will tell them "But you have to *leave*" in a soothing British tone of voice.

  38. Ended 9 year relationship. He is the first one. As I confronted him about the problem he acted the wictim as I felt like insane, cold person who can not trust others. As time went by I had to leave because all I hear is lies and false promises. Now I'm finding my voice and try to heal. Thanks for this video.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *