The News Hasn’t Happened Yet | #3: UP


A pigeon has flown into the International Space Station. No, it hasn’t. Space Station doesn’t exist. Space doesn’t exist! Space does exist, according to a new survey. If space exists, yeah… How come I can’t see it? [Reporter] You can. You just look up. [Helen] “Up”? What does that mean? Did you see that? They are brainwashing people with jargon. “Up” is a creation of the Globalist Paedophile Network! Did you see that? That is a fake truth seeker right there,
aiming to discredit our message! What is “up” and where can we find it? 3.8972 hexadromical sub degrees, perpendicular to the trajectical Nip Tomita axis, relative to 3.4x and- Maths, is wrong. And it always has been. [applause] But hold on a minute, if maths is wrong, then shouldn’t we all|l| be¿? A study shows everything is
worse than it ever has been. A study shows you are happy all of the time Nothing will ever be good again. Depression is worse than ever! People are now happier than they’ve ever been. Music and jokes are no longer any good, say experts. [Bell toll] Three new species of birds
have been discovered nesting on the moon. The moon doesn’t exist! It’s just the Earth’s reflection! Birds don’t exist! They’re just tiny dragons! Reflections don’t exist! They’re just an illusion! [Applause] Life is an illusion caused by death. But how does this affect the economy? The economy now can only go down,
since up was banned. The recent ban on up is causing chaos at airports. …result of new directional restrictions, air transport is now limited to ground use only. Listen, right. We just need to put a hold on up… Until we can figure out what the bloody hell’s going on. [Gunshots] [Bird cries]
[Gunshots] [Cheering] The president didn’t say that,
the headline was fabricated, Birds don’t exist and neither does the moon. The economy is doing better than ever, and YOU ARE HAPPY! YOU ARE HAPPY!!! YOU…ARE HAPPY!!!!!! If you don’t believe that inter-dimensional moon rabbits took control of the economy, when Goldman Sachs was re-magnetized, then you’re dumber than a space lizard! Some of tonight’s news was entirely untrue. But what are you gonna do? [Reporter] What are you gonna do? [Man] Ehm… I’ll probably go to bed. And then I’ll get up tomorrow. And I’ll have breakfast. Um, well, I might take a few selfies. And then just have a little cry. Murdering. I’ll go out murdering… And then I’ll come home. And I’ll have… Beans on toast.

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