Erm, I got married recently. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks for playing along. That’s why I moved here.
I married a British guy. SCATTERED CHEERING That lack of whooping
when I say the word “British,” that is the self-loathing
I signed on for. I love you guys. I’m never going back! So, he’s British. I married him for free health care,
basically. I know, right? Not even a joke. Like, nothing turns
an American on – a decent personality, hot-rod bod – I don’t give a shit, OK? Nothing is as good as being like, “I can get all my moles
removed for free?!” Ahhhhh! So hot, right? OK. And anyway… Jokes aside, erm… It is genuinely this really
exciting time in my relaysh because
I’m expecting. That’s real. That’s real! CHEERING To have an affair. Now… LAUGHTER Here’s the issue, right? So, my husband and I, we’ve been
together now for eight years and this thing has started happening
where people…like, people talk about the seven-year itch.
That’s what gets the airtime. And I got that. Didn’t scratch it. Thank you. Mistake. Thank you! Because now I have what I’ve
coined the eight-year rash. It happens about eight years in.
Right? And it’s where whatever it is that
initially draws you to someone, eight years later, that’s the same shit
that repels you. See, I meet a guy, right? In the beginning,
fun and games, right? In the beginning, you’re like… GIGGLES COYLY You’re, erm, you’re a little dirty, but… GIGGLES ..I like it. Eight years later. Wash your balls! Water and soap, asshole. Ma’am, you’re welcome.